Bringing Desta Home

Happy Birthday Too You!

2006-08-15T18:28:00.000-04:00

Today is Desta's 12th birthday.

Happy Birthday Desta!!!!

more to come,
Abbat

The Top Things You Might Not Know About Desta

2006-08-08T00:15:00.000-04:00

Her favorite "American" song right now is Karma Chameleon.
Her favorite "American" food is Pizza (she likes sausage or plain cheese)
She spent much of last week caring for a stray cat which she named Caramel. She built a bed for it on our front porch out of a milk create and blanket. Caramel now has a permanent home with a friend of our neighbor
Approximately 75% of her wardrobe is pink.
The people from my office got together and gave Desta a Target Gift Card, with it she purchased:
- A Remote Control Car (She was disappointed that these did not come in pink)
- A Pair of Pink Sunglasses
- A Denim Skirt
- A Pair of Pink Sneakers
- A Pair of Pink Sandals
- A Pair of Jeans With "Sparkelys" On The Pockets
- A 5-in-1 Kids Card Game
- Beaded Ponytail Holders for Ramona
- A Spiderman Hat for Efram
- The Film "The Goonies" for Enat
- Some Unrevealed Object for Me.
She loves the PBS Kids Website
When She saw the pet pampering aisle at Target she said, "America is funny."
She has her first Girlscout meeting tomorrow.
I'm teaching her to play chess, and she's getting pretty good (she almost beat me yesterday!)
She eats more peanut butter than anyone I've ever known.

Things are going pretty well these days. Desta is getting involved with some activities and finally getting some "big kid" friends. She started Drama Camp this morning. Even though she had told us she wanted to do it, she was a bit apprehensive about it this morning. I heard her tell Enat, "Mamma, my English no is good enough." Enat told her that she was sure she would be just fine. I think she was also nervous about spending the whole day away from us. She ended up having a wonderful time though, and is excited about going back tomorrow.

It appears rumors are going around that we have pulled out of the People article, and we indeed have. People wanted to come for Desta's birthday party, and we wanted to be sure of her feelings before we gave them the ok to come. So we talked to Desta some more about it, and now that her english is better, she was able to understand what the People article was about. We had tried our best to explain it before, but communicating about such a specialized topic was kind of difficult. We were finally able to explain what a magazine is, and who would be reading it. We made sure she understood that we wanted to do the article ONLY if SHE wanted to do it. She told us that she wanted us to decide. My experience has been that she says, "You decide." when she either doesn't understand something or is afraid to make the wrong decision. Otherwise she is VERY decisive. So Enat and I decided that since she would not give us a definite that we would err on the side of caution. We didn't feel right about People continuing to spend money producing the article while we waited for a decision.

In the end I think giving her the opportunity to make this decision was still the best way to go about the situation. By and large I think that children are far more capable than we (adults) give them credit for. People did ask today if we are willing to keep the option open, but we haven't responded yet. I don't think we are willing, but Enat and I haven't had a chance to discuss it yet.

On the "It's A Small World" side of life, Desta had a pleasant surprise the other day. We've become friends with a nearby family who is in the process of adopting several children from Ethiopia. They have 2 kids Desta's age already, and Enat has gone to visit with the kids during the day from time to time. Well, this family just recently got referral photos for their children and were showing them to Enat and Desta. Desta saw the photo and excitedly said, "She is my friend!!!"

Apparently during her stay at the adoption agency's home she became friends with one of the girls that this family is adoptiong. So two girls randomly thrown together in Addis Ababa are going to end up living in the same American town. We're exited for Desta to have some Ethiopian friends. We're doing our best to help her keep her culture, but it will really be great for her to have peers who are going through the same things she is.

More To Come,
Abbat

The End

2006-08-03T09:39:00.000-04:00

I have recently been informed by several people that I am being badmouthed throughout cyberspace for things that I have said on this blog about my experiences adjusting to having Desta in my life and that our completely anonymous postings about Desta are violating her privacy.

I don't think that posting non-identifying information about my child is a violation of her privacy and I don't think that my posts have indicated anything more than one person's experience of adopting an older, HIV+ child. However, at this point in my life I don't need to spend time worrying that my words are going to be used against my family, so I am done.

I hope that people have gained some appreciation of HIV adoption from our blog. I hope that more people will consider giving an HIV+ child a home. I hope that more people will consider sponsoring an HIV+ child. AHOPE is doing amazing work. I have been there three times and can say with complete confidence that they are a worthwhile organization.

Abbat may or may not choose to continue this blog. That's completely up to him.

The last thing I would like to say is that I have been been made aware of the fact that there is an imposter Enat posting on other people's blogs. I have, in the past, posted as Enat at other adoption blogs and linked back to this blog. There is no way at this point that I can verify which posts using the name Enat are authentic and which are not. Henceforth, any post purporting to be posted by Enat is a fake.

Bonding

2006-08-01T15:16:00.000-04:00

Apparently I have a lot to say today!

I thought that I would address the subject of bonding with an older child. Keep in mind that this is just my experience, so others might have different ideas on the subject.

When we brought Efram home, bonding was easy. He was one year old. We rocked in the rocking chair A LOT. We co-slept. We played peek-a-boo and I bathed him and I sang him thousands of lullabies.

Maybe Desta would love to be rocked. Perhaps we could co-sleep. It's possible that peek-a-boo would be a real hit with her. But somehow these things didn't feel natural to me, based on her age and size (she's about 1 1/2 inches shorter than I am). So I had to find alternative ways to bond.

I think my biggest bonding strategy has been lots of physical contact. As often as I can, I give Desta's cheek a kiss or squeeze or shoulder or hug her or snuggles up next to her when we sit down. I lie on the couch with me feet casually draped over her legs. I put my arm around her so that she can lean her head against my shoulder. It really helps (me) to overcome any awkwardness at having someone I am still getting to know around.

Another strategy is to smile at her a lot. I also stick out my tongue, make faces, and laugh with her. I use exaggerated facial expressions to illustrate what I am saying. I use very simple jokes and word play to lighten the mood and get her giggling (anyone who knows her will vouch for the fact that she has a completely delightful, infectious giggle). I tease her gently (and she responds in kind). I smile more. I smile often. I try to start and end every verbal interaction with a smile.

Something else that seems to bring us together is playing card and board games. Before Desta arrived Abbat and I went shopping for some simply board and card games that could be played even by a child with limited English. We have several versions of Uno, Blink (a speed game), Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, several versions of Memory, and more. Frequently throughout the day Desta will invite me or I will invite her to play a game together. Sometimes we play very competitively. Sometimes we try to change the rules to make the game very silly. Sometimes the game hardly gets noticed as we just chat together. But having those games available has really helped Desta and me interact in a casual and fun manner.

We also enjoy reading together. I started reading to Desta two days after she got home. In the beginning I think she just liked to sit next to me, but it was clear she wasn't paying attention (and little wonder, as she probably understood next to nothing of what I was reading). However, as time has gone on, she has come to really look forward to, and even request, reading time together. She has started to pick out her own books at the library and seems to be able to follow the general idea of the stories we read. Reading is something I *LOVE* to do and have done in huge amounts with Ramona and Efram since both of their arrivals. If I had to pick one "mom talent" that I posses, it would be that I read to my kids. I *love* that Desta and I can share reading together, and I hope that, as her English grows ever more proficient, we can really explore the world through books together.

The other big thing that I can think of that I do to bond with her is, as mentioned in a previous post, watch Little House on the Prairie together. I am not a big fan of tv. I have one show that I like to watch, but as it's not a show that I feel is appropriate for children, I rarely watch it as it's usually on when the kids are up. If we have the tv on in our house, it's usually football or Formula One racing. However, Desta is a big fan of tv. One of the "issues" we had to negotiate when she first got here is how much tv she was going to watch. She would have preferred to watch tv all day. That would not have worked for the rest of us. I talked to several friends about the shows that their kids watch, and one day stumbled across Little House. I loved this show when I was a kid, so I put an episode on for Desta. She was instantly captivated by it. I'm not sure she completely understands it (she seems to have some trouble understanding that the characters are not actually real people and that the show portrays people approximately 150 years ago), but she loves it. Most nights I sit down next to her on the couch and we watch Little House together. She asks lots of questions and we snuggle together. It seems like a companionable way to end our day together.

I love my daughter, as any of you who have read the blog over the last year-plus have probably gathered. But being able to spend time with my daughter in the above-described ways has really helped us move our relationship from a lovely and heartwarming idea to a real friendship. It's been a lot of fun to get to know and like Desta.

Check back,
Enat

We love Injera!

2006-08-01T15:11:00.000-04:00

Desta wanted to have injera for dinner tonight. However, we are planning to meet my father at a park late this afternoon and dinner plans seemed fuzzy. When I waffled on committing to injera for dinner, Desta told me, "Is ok, Momma, I make injera!" She wanted me OUT of the kitchen so that she could surprise me with the injera when it was finished.

Ok, I am used to having a four year old and a three year old, whom I would never leave alone in the kitchen with a hot skillet. But, like the day when I was talking to my mother on the phone and told Desta that she could not ride her bike because I could not be out there with her and my normally cautious mother told me, "Well, she IS almost 12 years old!" this was a time when I had to take a deep breath and say to myself, "Well, she IS old enough to make injera." I have had to run in once to adjust the temperature of the stove because the oil in the pan was exploding every time she poured on the batter, but so far things seem to be progressing well!

Probably about the time I get used to having an "older child," Desta won't be a child anymore!

Check back,
Enat

Little Name on the Prairie

2006-08-01T12:05:00.000-04:00

Desta has become a real fan of Little House on the Prairie. Almost every night we snuggle on the couch together and watch an episode.

Let's pretend for a moment that Abbat's name is John Doe. Desta's name is Desta John Doe (in Ethiopia, a child's surname is the father's first name, so the Ethiopian courts give adopted kids their father's first name as a middle name). We were planning to change Desta's middle name from "John" to her Ethiopian surname, which we will pretend is Abraham; thus she would be Desta Abraham Doe (in Ethiopia her name was "Desta Abraham"). However, Desta had told us that she wanted to keep the name Desta John Doe, so we said "Sure." It's her name, after all.

Well, now Desta has decided that she wants to be called Mary after Mary in Little House. She has told me several times, "Momma, you no call me Desta. You call me Mary." Fine by me. When I was young I read a book about a little girl named Merry and for several months had my mother call me Merry. Desta can be called whatever she likes; it's her name. However, I am having a very hard time remembering to call her Mary (after all, I have known her as Desta for nearly two years), and on the rare occasions that I DO remember to call her Mary, she doesn't respond to it (after all, she has known herself as Desta for nearly 12 years). Last night, while watching Little House, Desta turned to me and said accusingly, "You no call me Mary!" I explained to her that it was hard for me to remember but I would try harder. Then she said, "My front name Desta. My next name Mary. My end name Doe." We said, "You want to change your name from Desta John to Desta Mary?" She said yes.

Ok, fine by me. We have to apply for an Ohio birth certificate for Desta anyway, so it should be as simple as filling out the certificate with her new name, Desta Mary Doe!

Check back,
Enat

Continuing On

2006-07-31T18:53:00.000-04:00

First of all, those who seem convinced that I am more interested in being an idealist than in being a loving mom will be pleased to know that I located and purchased some non-toxic nail polish for Desta. She chose pink with silver sparkles in it. I even *gasp* let Ramona and Efram wear some. :)

Second, over the weekend we had the opportunity to spend time on both Saturday and Sunday with groups of Ethiopians here in our city. On Saturday we went to a St. Gabriel Day celebration at the local Greek Orthodox Church. The service was long and in Amharic, so we came only for the last hour of it. It was lovely, with lots of chanting and singing, and the women were dressed beautifully in their traditional clothes. After the service, we stayed on for injera and wat and the opportunity to talk with lots of people. Desta seemed a bit shy around the Ethiopians and seemed somewhat reluctant to speak Amharic although she clearly understood what they were saying.

At that event, we were told that a local church hosts a Protestant (which Desta is) Ethiopian service on Sunday afternoon. We asked Desta whether she would like to attend that, and she said yes. Abbat stayed home with Ramona and Efram, who were getting colds, and I took Desta to the service. It was very small because, apparently, several of the families were out of town, but the five women there were very welcoming and kind, and it turned out that there were four little Ethiopian girls there for Desta to play with. She and the girls played in another room while I attended the service. There was more beautiful singing and much heartfelt prayer. I listened closely and was able to catch a few scattered words of Amharic.

I exhanged phone numbers with several of the women, who promised to invite us over for injera and also to take me to a neighboring city that has an Ethiopian grocery. Several of the women told me that while Desta clearly remembers and understands Amharic, she is on the verge of losing the ability to actually speak it. Abbat and I are very concerned that Desta might lose her Amharic, not the least of the reasons being that her siblings back in Ethiopia do not speak English, and if she loses her Amharic, she will not be able to speak with them. Also, Desta will eventually grow up and (probably) leave our home for one of her own. We want Desta, if she desires, to be able to mix with the Ethiopian community and be able to speak Amharic with them. Additionally, I have heard (but cannot confirm through personal experience) that when people lose their primary language, they lose access to many of the memories stored in that language. It would break my heart if that happened to Desta. She has recently been telling me a lot about her life in Ethiopia, both in the orphanage and with her birth family. I have been writing them down in a Word file, and eventually I would like to prepare a beautiful journal of these stories that I can give to her to help her remember her life before us.

Abbat and I have redoubled our commitment to learning Amharic, if for no other reason than to *try* to help Desta retain hers.

Desta has been here for nine weeks. Overall I think that things are going well. Desta is a vibrant girl with a large personality and opinions of her own! She laughs easily and often and her sense of humor seems to mesh very well the the family's. We are a family that lightheartedly teases one another in an affectionate way, and Desta has jumped right into that. She seems to enjoy playing with Ramona and Efram, although they certainly squabble like siblings do! Desta has developed some hobbies around our house and has enjoyed assisting me with our household chores. Although she is generally a very pleasant girl, she is certainly a champion sulker when she does not get her way. I have heard from many people that Ethiopian kids in general seem to pout very well! Desta seems to have accepted the fact that I am not a make-up mom (although she did chase me around the store with a lipstick today) and I am honing my ability to identify things that appeal to those of us of a more girly nature. I located a denim mini-skirt at my local Target that was adorned with pink and orange sequined flowers which was quite a hit with Desta (it was for her, not for me!). On a recent trip to buy a new pair of sandals (for me, not for her), I chose a shocking pink pair in large part because I knew that Desta would love them. Her reaction when I got home was worth it: "Oh, Momma, PINK!" complete with her hands pressed to her cheeks in ecstasy.

Here is another of Zelda's questions:

"3)On the family front, I know you said you had some relatives who were less than supportive of this adoption. Have they come around, or at least shown signs of being more educated about HIV?"

Fortunately, everything is going well on the family front. All of the relatives who showed the most reluctance at having Desta join the family have met her and have seemed to be comfortable around her. Whether they have really come around or are merely terrific actors is information I am not privvy to, but things look good on the family front.

Oh, and a funny story. Recently I learned the Amharic words "beka," "endegene," and "lejutch" (pardon my butchering of the transliterations), which mean, respectively, "enough," "more," and "children." While at the swimming pool the other day, I pointed to Desta, Ramona, and Efram and asked, "Beka lejutch or endegene lejutch?" Desta answered, "Beka letjutch." Then she thought for a moment and said, "No, endegene lejutch. Two girls, one boy. We need more boy." I laughed and said, "Ok, we'll get another boy." Desta said, "But we don't have room." I answered, "Sure we do. If we get another boy, he and Efram can share a room and you and Ramona can share a room!" Desta looked shocked and then said firmly, "No, BEKA children!"

Check back,
Enat

Zelda's Next Question

2006-07-18T13:42:00.000-04:00

Here is Zelda's next question and my answer.

"2) How is theater camp going? I remember that when discussing your decision to homeschool, you had mentioned your concern that Desta might be much more sheltered from certain things than American girls her age. Has that been an issue? Has she made friends her age?"

Theater camp is not until August. When Desta arrived, she told us that she wanted to play soccer, take an art class, and do theater. Because both family time and money are issues for us, we talked to her about picking one thing (at least for now) and seeing how that works out. She chose theater. (Shortly before I brought Desta home, three American actors visited AHOPE and helped the children produce and perform what they called a "drama," which they performed publicly somewhere in Addis; for some reason I think it was at the National Theater, but I may be wrong.) I looked into several theater programs. Most of the summer programs had already started, but an arts center near where we live was having a week-long, full-day theater camp for 9-11 year olds that I thought we be perfect for Desta. I asked her whether she wanted to do it and she said yes, although she was concerned that her English wasn't good enough to perform. So, she will go to the camp next month. Yesterday, when we were downtown at the farmer's market, we stopped in at the local independent theater to inquire about their classes. They have some very good classes offered during the school year. Desta was overwhelmed by the size of the theater and told me she doesn't want to do classes there. I told her that was fine but that I was taking the information anyway, both in case she changed her mind and because Efram and Ramona might enjoy theater classes.

Another interest of Desta's is photography. In our city we have a photography institute that is well-respected, and I can't help thinking that it would be awesome if Desta grew up to be a photographer. I believe that the same arts center that holds the theater camp also has photography classes, so perhaps photography is another interest we can nurture. I played soccer for 8 years (year-round: community soccer in the fall, indoor soccer in the winter, and select (or traveling) soccer in the spring) and I was also involved in theater from 7th-12th grades. In my very humble and generalized opinion, the theater/artsy people were more "broad-minded" than the soccer players (again, I realize that this is a generalization based on a sample size of n=1), so I am secretly hoping that Desta's interest in the arts remains strong. I also think that the arts are more likely to lead to a career than soccer is (although of course she could always become a soccer club's PR person or general manager or something if she never made it as a pro soccer player), and considering that Desta will be college age in just six short years, I can't help but think about how we can help her plan for and pursue her goals for her adult life.

Regarding the sheltering issue, this was put into bold relief for us the other evening as we were sitting on our front porch, eating lemonade popsicles and playing Blink (a card game Ramona gave me for my birthday). Two young girls, roughly Desta's age, were riding their bikes up and down the block. Abbat asked me, "Where did those girls come from? I've never seen them before?" I replied that I had noticed one of them riding her bike around our block for several days now. As the girls continued to ride up and down our street, we caught snatches of their conversation. Two things we heard were, "Tom is SO HOT!" and "This is the most important party of our lives, so we have to look HOT!" Abbat and I laughed about these things but it underscored to us how different Desta seems to us. She does seem less "mature" in terms of the types of interests she has versus what typical American 11/12 year olds are interested in. She doesn't know who Britney Spears or Brad Pitt are. Her favorite tv show is Little House on the Prairie. She likes to watch Disney Princess movies. She just comes across as less "savvy" than many of the 11/12 year old girls I know (which aren't many, I admit) and the way I was at her age. And that's completely fine with me. I am in no hurry for her to grow up. She just got here and I love that she still wants to hold my hand and isn't embarrased about being hugged or kissed by her parents. I am not going to try to keep her a little girl forever but neither am I going to encourage her to start acting like a young woman as soon as possible.

Desta went to a bible school run by one of my closest friends last week and she really enjoyed it. On the first day she came home and told me that she had a new friend. She told me all about her and said that this girl's birthday was the same month as hers and that they both liked pizza and spaghetti! On the last day of camp I introduced myself to the girl's mom and told her that Desta had been very excited that she and her friend had birthdays in the same month. I was surprised to find that this girl will be turning 10 when Desta turns 12. But when I thought more about it, I realized that I wasn't that surprised, because Desta does, in some ways, seem more like a 9 or 10 year old than a 12 year old.

Desta has had the opportunity to socialize with a wide range of kids. Our homeschool group has kids of all ages, and some of my close friends have kids in the 7-11 age range, both boys and girls. Desta has enjoyed spending time with all these kids and doesn't seem concerned about making sure the kids are her exact age. (She did, however, complain that she was the only girl in Sunday School the other day; apparently many of the kids who are normally in that class were away on some church trip. That was Desta's first day attending Sunday School, and she was very worried that there would never be any other girls.) Desta's "best" friends, if she has any, are a sibling set aged 13 and 10 who are the kids of a family in our Ethiopia adoptive families group (the children are not Ethiopian). They are extremely nice kids, and Desta has been able to play with them on several occasions. She asks frequently when we will see them again, but due to differing vacation schedules we haven't been able to see them for a few weeks. She also met an 11 year old girl at a birthday party whom she seemed to bond with pretty quickly, so we are working on getting together with that girl. It is interesting watching Desta build up her social circle. I'm looking forward to her having (and going to) sleep-overs!

Oh, and one more thing. Desta may join the Girl Scouts in the fall. I talked with a nice, smallish troup in the spring, before Desta joined us, and they were excited about having Desta as a member.

Check back,
Enat

Homeschooling

2006-07-17T07:55:00.000-04:00

One of our commenters, Zelda, asked a series of interesting questions in one of her posts. Over the next however long amount of time, I will try to answer them. The first is about homeschooling. Zelda asked,

"1) Education. Have you started homeschooling yet? If so, how has that gone? On a related note, I remember you had mentioned earlier that AHOPE children have only been allowed at the local schools in the last couple years, and so you predicted that Desta's literacy (even in Amharic) might not be on par with other children her age. Have you found that to be the case? If so, has it presented special challenges with language learning and communication?"

Have we started homeschooling yet?

Yes. We are a homeschooling family, so we are homeschooling all the time. Learning happens constantly, and we don't necessarily designate a certain time of day as "homeschooling time" and all other times as "not-homeschooling times." Have we bought a curriuculum that we are spending X-amount of time on every day? No. First, I don't think that Desta's English (although it is good) is developed enough for formal academic work in English. Second, it's summer, so we are much more busy than we are when the weather is cooler. Third, I think that it's important for Desta to have as much time as possible to just get used to being a member of our family before she starts to feel any pressure to perform academically. Before Desta arrived, I figured I wouldn't do anything formal with her for about a year or so and just let her find her place in our family and community and follow her interests. However, Desta asked several time when she was going to go to school. I started off by explaining that it's summer here and most schools are not open. As her English got better, I explained to her that we are a homeschooling family and I explained that "homeschooling" means that you learn at home instead of at school. She didn't seem to really get that concept, but over several weeks we discussed it and then it seemed to click. Then I think that Desta thought that perhaps she was going to be the only child in America to be homeschooled. She asked me one day, "When Ramona going in school?" I told her that Ramona would not be going to school, as she would be homeschooled, too. Desta's mouth fell open in surprise, so I started to point out all the kids she knows who are homeschooled (which is the majority of kids we know, because most of the people we socialize with are homeschoolers and many of the families in our Ethiopia adoption group are homeschooling families). A few days later, Desta said, "I not going in school? I learn here at home?" and I said, "Well, is that what you want?" She thought about it a moment and said, "I think yes first. First, homeschool!"

I did go out an buy a phonics workbook, which we have been working through slowly, and we have been practicing reading from a book called The Reading Lesson that I bought for Ramona when she told me that she wanted to have "homeschool to learn how to read." (I do not insist that Ramona use the book regularly, btw. She gets it out a few times a week, spends a few minutes on it, and then goes on.) Desta enjoys it, although the effort makes her tired so we limit it to about 1/2 an hour at a time. I think some formal phonics instruction will be good for her because my (extremely limited) understanding of Amharic is that it does not use vowels. The vowel sounds are made by adding strokes to the consonant symbols. I have noticed that when Desta writes English, she will sound words out but leave out the vowels. For example, when she wrote the word drum she wrote "drm." It makes sense from an Amharic viewpoint. I have also noticed that she cannot yet distinguish between most vowel sounds (when prompted to add a vowel she almost invariably wants to add an A). She can't yet really hear the differences between /a/, /e/, /i/, /o/, and /u/. I am sure that will come in time.

At this point, I don't really plan to start anything very formal with Desta until about October. I have been looking into a literature-based American history program for 1st-3rd graders. It utilizes what many homeschoolers call "living books," real children's books, rather than textbooks, and because it is a 1st-3rd grade curriculum, the books are on an appropriate reading level for Desta. I figure that this curriculum will accomplish three things: 1) give Desta practice with her reading 2) give us "snuggle time" to read together 3) introduce her to American history, which will serve her well as an American. I will probably add some math and perhaps some grammar. But I intend to take it slowly and in a relaxed manner.

Btw, Desta's literacy in Aharic seems to be very strong. Perhaps there was some misunderstanding about Desta's previous education. The kids at AHOPE have only been in public school for (I think) two years, but prior to that they had school at AHOPE, so Desta was receiving an education even before the pyblic schools accepted the AHOPE kids.

This homeschooling journey with Desta will be another area where being the new parent of an older child will present new challenges and adjustments. I lean more toward what is, in the homeschooling arena, termed "unschooling," which is basically child-directed. I have no wish to get into a debate about correct homeschooling methods, but after watching Ramona grow and learn, I have become much less interested in a structured, "school-at-home" type of homeschooling than I used to be. Desta, however, has unique educational needs, and figuring out the best ways to meet them will require a lot of thought.

I am actually thinking of starting a homeschooling blog. I even have a name in mind for it. But, like adoption blogs, the world is saturated in homeschooling blogs (some of which I read regularly), so I don't know that I would have much unique to offer.

Check back,
Enat

Commenting About Elephants

2006-07-11T16:35:00.000-04:00

It was six men of Indostan
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the Elephant
(Though all of them were blind),
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind

The First approached the Elephant,
And happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side,
At once began to bawl:
“God bless me! but the Elephant
Is very like a wall!”

The Second, feeling of the tusk,
Cried, “Ho! what have we here
So very round and smooth and sharp?
To me ’tis mighty clear
This wonder of an Elephant
Is very like a spear!”

The Third approached the animal,
And happening to take
The squirming trunk within his hands,
Thus boldly up and spake:
“I see,” quoth he, “the Elephant
Is very like a snake!”

The Fourth reached out an eager hand,
And felt about the knee.
“What most this wondrous beast is like
Is mighty plain,” quoth he;
“ ‘Tis clear enough the Elephant
Is very like a tree!”

The Fifth, who chanced to touch the ear,
Said: “E’en the blindest man
Can tell what this resembles most;
Deny the fact who can
This marvel of an Elephant
Is very like a fan!”

The Sixth no sooner had begun
About the beast to grope,
Than, seizing on the swinging tail
That fell within his scope,
“I see,” quoth he, “the Elephant
Is very like a rope!”

And so these men of Indostan
Disputed loud and long,
Each in his own opinion
Exceeding stiff and strong,
Though each was partly in the right,
And all were in the wrong!

Moral:

So oft in theologic wars,
The disputants, I ween,
Rail on in utter ignorance
Of what each other mean,
And prate about an Elephant
Not one of them has seen!

-- John Godfrey Saxe (1816-1887)

more to come
Abbat

Ugly Momma

2006-07-08T20:36:00.000-04:00

Today I got my hair cut short. Very short. One of my friends used the clippers to shave my hair to about 1 inch in length. (Previously it was at the middle of my back, and two weeks ago I got it cut to chin length.) Desta walked into the backyard as we were finishing up, looked at me, screamed, and yelled, "Momma! So ugly!"

(Just in case you're wondering, my hair actually looks great. It is not some punk teen chop job. Efram said, "Momma, you look so beautiful!" My friend's six year old son told me, "You have a nice haircut now!" And my own loving husband called me sexy. :)

Check back,
Enat

Too Many Birthday Parties

2006-07-04T17:38:00.000-04:00

Desta's assessment of life in America?

"Too much birthday parties, Momma."

Desta has been here five weeks and we have gone to four birthday parties. Normally we are not a hot item on the birthday party circuit, but for some reason this summer we have had a lot of birthday parties to go to. This has inspired Desta to start a list of the people that she plans to invite to her birthday party (at last count there were 32 people on the list), but she still thinks that she's had about enough of this birthday party business.

We went to see our city's fireworks display yesterday and Desta enjoyed them quite a lot. But you should have seen the look on her face when I reminded her that we were at America's birthday party! She looked completely disgusted and said, "No more birthday parties Momma!"

She did tell us that when she lived in Ethiopia they used to watch America's fireworks on tv.

The photographer from People magazine was here yesterday and today. Desta told me that she wanted to photographer (whom she loves) to come but not to take her picture. I took the opportunity to remind her of what we had told her in Ethiopia: that we were doing this article for the magazine so that other kids (and particularly kids at AHOPE) could find adoptive homes. I explained to Desta that Daddy and I had decided to adopt from Ethiopia because we had heard, on the radio, about another family who adopted from Ethiopia (thanks again Jennifer!!) and we thought, "We could do that!" We are hoping that, through the People magazine article, other people will read about us and think, "We could do that!" I also told Desta that if she really didn't want to be photographed that we didn't have to do it. She said, "Maybe AHOPE kids get adopted?" I said, "We hope so." Then she said that she was fine with doing the article.

The photographer took pictures of me refilling Desta's medicine box. (We have a weekly med box with places to put her morning and evening meds for the whole week. Individual days can be taken out and carried with us if we will be out and about [or "oat and aboat" as Uncle Christopher in Ontario says] at med time. It's very handy!) Desta did not want to be in those pictures and she told the photographer that she didn't want her name to be used.

Later in the day, when the photographer had gone to check into her hotel, I talked to Desta about this. I asked her why she didn't want her name to be used. She didn't answer me. I told her that if she didn't want her name to be used, I would certainly talk to the People people about it, but that I needed to give them a reason. She still didn't answer, so I took a deep breath and said, "Desta, do you not want them to use your name because you don't want people to know that you have HIV?" She said no, that wasn't it, but still didn't give me a reason that she didn't want her name used. I said, "Did you know that all of our family and friends already know that you have HIV?" At this point she started to cry and said she wanted to take a nap. I gave her a hug and told her that I loved her and that all the people she knows know that she has HIV and that they aren't afraid of it. Then she told me that it's ok to use her name in the magazine. I assured her that if she didn't want to do the story or use her name that we would not.

As you can well guess, both the magazine article and the HIV are sensitive topics. We have not really been able to talk to Desta about HIV and her feelings about it and its implications because of the lack of common language. Her English is very good and getting better all the time, but it's one thing to say, "Desta, do you want spaghetti or peanut butter?" and quite another to bust out with, "Desta, can you tell me your feelings about having HIV and any fears or concerns you have about it?" ESPECIALLY because she is still getting to know us! I know that Desta likes us, and she seems happy here, but really, it's going to take a long time to build the kind of intimacy and trust that will be necessary to really open up about these sensitive topics. At this point I don't really know much (anything) about how Desta feels about having HIV. I do know that she knows it can be fatal because she has gone through her photo album and pointed out the kids who are no longer living.

Soon after we had this conversation, one of my good and most supportive friends called and I was telling her all about this conversation. I talked most extensively to this friend when Abbat and I were trying to decide how open to be about Desta's HIV status. She brought up a lot of good points and gave me some good things to think about. In the end, of course, we decided to be completely open. I told my friend yesterday that the best we can hope for is that when Desta grows up, if she wishes we had kept it a secret, she will at least know that we did what we did with the best of intentions. We never want Desta to feel or fear that she is only accepted on false pretences and that, if anyone were to find out her terrible secret, they would shun her. We want her to know that the people who surround her every day love all parts of her. We want her to know that we don't think HIV is a shameful secret. We may or may not have mentioned previously in this blog that we were kicked out of a playgroup that we had attended for 2 1/2 years when Efram joined us because he had intestinal worms. After that experience, we felt that we want to know where we stand UP FRONT with people. We are confident that the people with whom we have chosen to share our lives are informed about HIV or willing to become informed; that they are not afraid of Desta; and that they support the choices our family has made. To us, that is more important than an abstract idea of privacy. I know that there are people in our lives who don't think that we should chosen to be open, but luckily they are still supportive of us. We are very lucky that, aside from a few unsupportive family members, we have basically been surrounded with support throughout this whole process. We hope that Desta feels we did the right thing when she grows up.

My friend that I talked to yesterday said that it will be interesting to talk to Desta in the next few years and find out what she was thinking and feeling during this time. I wholeheartedly agree.

I hope that Desta knows that we are sincere when we say that, if she is uncomfortable with it, we will pull out of the People thing. I hope that she knows that she can be honest with us without fear of making us angry. I tell her these things, and I hope she believes them. By the time the People article runs, she will have been with us for more than a year, and I hope that, by that time, we will have developed a trusting enough relationship that the final, complete decision can be hers.

Check back,
Enat

Baby Steps

2006-06-26T18:23:00.000-04:00

Although it nearly gave me a CVA (that's a cardiovascular accident, or stroke, for the uninitiated), tonight I said nothing while Desta ate a peanut butter, jelly, and corn taco for dinner. Yes, that's a taco with peanut butter, jelly, and corn.

*deep breath*

Baby steps. Baby steps.

I hope that a certain person (*cough*cough*Carrie*cough*) is proud of my restraint.

Check back,
Enat

Musings after one month

2006-06-23T13:28:00.000-04:00

Well, almost one month.

1) I am SO not girly. Disney Princesses are completely foreign to me. Ramona and Efram's interests have been shaped by living in our home and the things that interest Abbat and me. Desta's interests are very traditionally girly, which I have no experience with. I wonder what things will look like as I try to develop interests in what interests Desta. I wonder when she'll stop telling me to use nail polish.

2) I can NOT scrapbook. A friend of ours gave Desta a scrapbook kit and Desta and I have been working on it. I am unimaginative and uncreative and I have no artistic flair. However, we have been putting in pictures of Desta's friends from Ethiopia, and I did come up with the idea that we write things to/about them in both English and Amharic. That's my one semi-inspired idea. I figure that we can make this somewhat of a lifebook for Desta. Aforementioned friend, PLEASE come to help us!

3) Older kids come with complete personalities. It's a fine line for me to walk between imposing my values simply because they are my values and imposing my values because this is how Abbat and I have chosen to rear our children. There are things that Desta does or enjoys that obviously came from somewhere other than our family, and some of those things annoy me. When do I step in and call a halt because it's not something our family wishes to live with and when do I just chalk it up to differing personalities? I'm still working on this one. I'll get back to you.

4) How much can I expect Desta to bend to meld into our family and how much can we be expected to bend to accomodate her? A big example is meat. We are vegetarian; Desta is not. Another is religion: we are Buddhist, Desta is Christian. These are big things in our family. We feel that Desta is old enough to make her own decisions regarding eating meat and choosing her faith. We don't feel it's our place to make her change these things. But where do we draw the line between big things that we don't tamper with and big things that we do? What do we do about little things that aren't big things in and of themselves but, when aggregated with other little things, become big things? To what degree will Desta remain a product of her Ethiopian upbringing and to what degree will she become shaped by our family's culture and values? I am sure that time will provide the answers to some of this, but I worry about both expecting too much change from Desta and, at the same time, the family being somewhat divided by our differences.

5) Older kids are a lot of fun! I love having someone who can be in on the jokes, who can roll her eyes when the little ones are being silly, who can watch Little House on the Prairie with me and not ask a question every minute about what's going on. I love having someone whose skill levels are not preschool-aged. I love having someone I can DO stuff with! (Not that I can't do stuff with Ramona and Efram, but it's a whole different type and level of stuff with an almost-12-year-old.) Desta certainly does not require the same level of parental intervention that Ramona and Efram do! It's nice to have a child who can wipe her own rear end!

6) Food issues are big issues with me. I knew that Desta would have food preferences and aversions. I knew that dealing with a completely new and unknown cuisine would be hard for her. I knew that we would have to go out of our way to accomodate her food likes and dislikes, her comfort foods, etc. But I didn't really think about the fact that she would declare "I no like" to something she has never before tried. I never thought about the fact that she would stand by my side and watch me prepare a complete meal with cauliflower as the centerpiece and then, as I am serving it up for her, say, "I no like." (BEFORE she's tasted it, BEFORE she's ever even tried cauliflower.) Ramona and I struggle with Ramona's intense fickleness: today she loves spinach, tomorrow she hates it, how far do we go in expecting the kids to just eat what they are served (unless, of course, it's a long-standing dislike, such as Ramona's from-birth dislike of tomatoes) versus letting the kids eat whatever their bodies signal them to want at that moment? Personally, having been to Ethiopia three times, my entire wordview on food has changed. The amount of food our family has is a luxury enjoyed by relatively few world citizens. I have very little patience for food fickleness and food waste after witnessing what I have witnessed in Ethiopia. But I am up against a culture that tells us that whatever we want, whenever we want it, in whatever quantities we desire, well, we should be able to have it. It's not popular to hold the old-fashioned "clean your plate" idea. But to me, after doing extensive reading on global food production and distribution, the choices that our family makes regarding the food we purchase and prepare has a direct affect on the rest of the world's access to safe and healthy food and clean water. I'm sure my kids are too young to be "grateful" for their food, but I don't want to engender an attitude of entitlement, either: "I'm entitled to waste food because right now, at this second, my body tells me I want green beans but my mom served lima beans. I'm entitled to have whatever I want to eat right now simply because I want it." At a website that I visit often, food and eating habits are a frequent and contentious topic of conversation. I find myself farther and farther out of step with most of those people on this issue, and my feelings about food have been challenged many times in this past (almost) month.

7) I don't like having people read over my shoulder when I am working on the computer.

8) I can love a person even when I don't know that person so very well. I have heard many times that love takes time to grow, and in some respects I am sure that is true. But I started loving Desta long before she ever came to live with us, and I love her now even though I don't know her well yet.

Check back,
Enat

Ethiopians are Everywhere!

2006-06-17T13:50:00.000-04:00

While driving yesterday on our way home from picking up our CSA veggies (CSA=Community Supported Agriculture, where you buy shares in an organic farm and get a weekly box of fresh, organic veggies), Desta pointed to a house where six black people were sitting on the porch (Disclaimer: I was scolded by our pediatrician for using the word black and was informed that it's politically correct to say African American. However, my black friends use the words black, and not all black people are African American, so I use the word black, except when talking to my children. Then I use the word brown.) and said, "Mom! Look! From Ethiopia!" Now, I have no idea where these people were from, and I suppose that it's possible that they were from Ethiopia, but considering that our city's Ethiopian population is tiny (although our family has contributed two members) and we kinda know who most of them are, I think I am safe in assuming that this was not an Ethiopian family. So I said to Desta, "No, from America." She said, "No, but like me" and pointed to her skin. I tried my best to explain to her that not all black/brown/African American people are from Ethiopia. I said, "You know, countries in Africa, like Sudan, Ghana, Liberia?" She nodded, and I said, "Sometimes they come here too. And sometimes they are born here because their parents or grandparents or great-great grandparents came here long long ago." I'm not sure she got it. I tried to explain in pidgeon Amharic: "ya-abbat ya-abbat ya-abbat abbat come here very far back." (Abbat means father, in case you have not yet figured that out, and adding "ya" to the beginning makes it possessive, so I kinda/maybe said "Dad's dad's dad's dad.") I'm still not sure that she got it, but I finished up with, "Most brown people in America were born here." I don't think Desta believed me, and then of course Ramona and Efram wanted to know why ya-abbat ya-abbat ya-abbat abbat came here. Sadly, I did not feel up to tackling the slavery issue so I changed the subject.

I wonder whether Desta has been looking at all the black people we see during the day and thinking they were Ethiopian and wondering why we never stopped to talk to them.

Ok, just this moment Desta discovered that we have gay and lesbian friends. She says that does NOT happen in Ethiopia because Meles Zinawe (prime minister) says no. Off to find the Amharic dictionary and the word for "homosexual."

Check back,
Enat

Adventures in Habesha Cooking

2006-06-13T18:49:00.000-04:00

WOW! Now that's what I call shiro! I finally found a good shiro recipe on a website called Kitchen Chick (kitchenchick.com). We had it for dinner tonight. I made shiro from that recipe last week, too, with some shiro powder given to us by Ethiopian friends. I ... um, I forgot to add the berbere. *blush* Desta was very gracious but she certainly added it to her own shiro with much gusto! The shiro was good but not quite right. The injera was very good, having been purchased from an Ethiopian grocery in a neighboring city by the same Ethiopian friends. It was a semi-successful meal.

In the meantime, we had lots of yummy wat that was sent to us by the wife-half of our Ethiopian friends. There was a collard green wat and a spinach wat and some other wat that I now forget, and there was a beef wat especially for Desta. She ate it at every lunch and dinner for three days and was very pleased.

Determined not to have to rely on an Ethiopian grocery 80 miles away, we have continued to experiment with injera. Experiment number two went dreadfully wrong. Using regular flour and teff flour, we mixed up a batch of batter that had to ferment for three days. We kept anxiously checking it and smelling it to see whether it was souring. About the end of the second day it occurred to me that Ohio might be a lot more humid than Addis and maybe the injera batter would just get moldy. This was, sadly, the case. On the morning of the third day we noticed a distinctly unpleasant odor in the kitchen and found a greenish-black slime swimming in our batter. Down the sink that went!

Undaunted, Abbat mixed up a thid batch, which we let sit for a few hours before cooking it. That was the batch we ate tonight. To me it seemed like a buckwheat pancake and it lacked the sourish flavor of real injera, but it was quite adequte for the shiro.

I remembered to add the berbere this time! I added a teensy bit too much ... yeah, we were breathing fire and even Desta admitted (after much cajoling and my imitation of a dragon) that there was "a little" too much berbere.

Hey, I liked it anyway, and I don't think it was any spicier than the shiro I had at Abyssinia Restaurant in Addis my first day there. Of course, I also yacked in the kitchen sink at Abyssinia, so maybe my memory is a little off. (The yacking had nothing to do with the food and everything to do with taking some medicine on an empty stomach).

The next eshiroment (my clever combination of "shiro" and "experiment") will be with the "faux injera" recipe from Kitchen Chick. This one calls for soda water ... I'll keep you apprised of our experiences.

Things have been going well for the last 17 days. Desta continues to fit right in. She has a very good sense of humor, which is a real asset in our family. She continues to get along well with the "kids," as we now call Ramona and Efram. She is learning that we are not a tv-watching family. She learned to vaccuum today. She is tolerating my continuing efforts to read to her, even though she's not understanding much of the text.

So far she has been most impressed with: the electric garage door opener, the keychain fobs that automatically lock and unlock the car doors (and the panic button on them!), the faucet head in the kitchen that detaches and can be used as a sprayer, and the fact that Momma can drive. (Abbat spent the first 11 days Desta was here at home, and he drove everywhere. When he went back to work and I climbed into the driver's seat, Desta asked me incredulously, "Mom, you drive??")

She was also very surprised that I can't braid her hair. The first time she washed her hair, she called me in and said, "Mom, you do hair now." I smiled sheepishly, raised my hands and said, "I can't braid." She looked at me like I was completely nuts and went about braiding her own hair into perfect cornrows. (Yes, I know, it is a huge faux pas that I am a white woman who adopted a black daughter and I can't do her hair. In my own defense, Desta IS old enough to do her own hair, and I am proficient enough in doing twists and things like that that if she were younger and could get away with a six-year-old's hairstyle, I could completely do that. I CAN braid, I just can't do flat/french braids.) She wears her hair in a ponytail most of the time anyway, and I know from three years of pictures of her at AHOPE that this is not just because I can't braid her hair.

Her med schedule is much easier now, although she does occasionally balk at taking it. I am sure it is a pain in the rear to have to take pills every day. Unfortunately, we have had to add another medication to the regimen for a non-HIV-related issue. Desta was very sulky at the pharmacy today and said, "No, Momma, no more medicine. I not take!" But I know she will, because she is generally good-natured.

It's hard to know what to write about because, now that Desta is here, we are no longer talking about her in the third person, so to speak. We aren't retelling things we have heard about her or speculating on what may happen. We are talking about her actual, right-here-right-now life, and somehow I feel more protective of her privacy. I will share this somewhat sad story, however.

Last week we went strawberry picking. Before we went, I showed her pictures of strawberries online and showed her the strawberry jam I had made and talked about making strawberry ice cream and strawberry pie and strawberry bread, etc. We went strawberry picking with eight other kids and four other moms. All the kids were running around, eating strawberries and having fun and making noise. All but Desta, who worked industriously up one side of a row of strawberries and down the other. Al the kids were amazed at her picking speed and kept running over to see how many she had. All the moms congratulated her on her skill.

It was only afterward that I realized that Desta had thought that it was a job and that WE would be paid for picking the strawberries rather than us paying THEM to take the strawberries with us.

I felt horrible after I realized this.

On the bright side, Desta and I had a lot of fun processing the strawberries together. We made three loaves of strawberry bread and nine and a half pints of strawberry jam (sans pectin, so our good friend Josh can have some too!), and we froze 14 quarts for later use. Desta was proud of how much she helped me and I enjoyed her company. It's fun to have a daughter I can do "older" things with.

Every night I tell Desta, "I love you and I am so glad you are here." She answers, "Me too."

Check back,
Enat

Good News of the Most Excellent Kind!

2006-06-08T08:45:00.000-04:00

On Tuesday we visited the ID doctor (that's "infectious disease" for the uninitiated). Not only did he simplify Desta's med regimen from five times a day to two times a day, he also ran a whole bunch of tests.

This morning at 7:42 am we got a call from him.

Since Desta began her meds in December, her CD4 count has GONE UP OVER 700 POINTS!!!

My birthday is Monday. What better birthday present could I ask for?

Check back,
Enat

Injera ... It's "Wat"'s for dinner!

2006-06-01T18:13:00.000-04:00

She ate it! Desta ate the homemade Ethiopian food we served tonight! Even the gummy, tasteless, recipe-gone-wrong injera we made! I made a recipe called Shero Wat from the Food Down Under website (found here). I have been wanting Shiro, a chickpea and tomato dish that I fell in love with in Ethiopia, but I can't find a key ingredient in the recipes I have found: Mit'in Shiro, powdered chickpeas. So I made the Shero Wat recipe, which uses dried green peas. It was VERY tasty, and even though the injera was awful, Desta ate an entire plateful of food. It's the most she's eaten since she got here. So far we have discovered that she likes spaghetti, bread and peanut butter, bananas, and oranges. The black bean soup, rice with spinach and tofu, and oatmeal I have tried serving have been politely refused. BUT SHE ATE THE SHERO!

I did find that an international market about an hour from here sells chickpea flower in their Indian section. So Abbat and I are thinking that the Indian market here in town should have it. Then I can (I hope) make the Shiro that I want (tip: try the Shiro at Habesha Restaurant in Addis). We plan to make Ethiopian food once or twice a week from here on out, and maybe more if we can perfect the injera recipe. We all (even P-I-C-K-Y Ramona) like Ethiopian.

On Saturday we meet with the Ethiopian adoptive families group I started, and after that we plan to head to East African restaurant in Cincinnati for some REAL Ethiopian food. If you read the blog and live in Cinti, well, on Saturday evening we'll be the family with two Habesha kids and a white kid.

Another success: I visited my local Trader Joe's today and found that they have a new product: Organic, Fair-trade, Shade-grown Ethiopian Yirgacheffe coffee!! Abbat was quite excited when he he discovered it on the kitchen shelf. I don't really drink coffee, but Abbat is quite a connoisseur.

So you probably want to know how Desta is doing, right? In a word, fantastic! She has been very calm and laid-back about all the weirdness going on around her. She is sleeping well, playing with the younger kids, starting to help out around the house, and generally fitting it quite fine. She has a good sense of humor and it affectionate with us. I am sure that we will have a honeymoon period and then things will get more difficult, but it is nice to have some time to take a breather before the proverbial stuff hits the fan.

Since she has been here (five days and counting), she has played soccer, ridden a bike, gone swimming, been to the grocery store and to Target (where she selected a cd player and a few board games), played Uno, and used the computer (a lot). She enjoys using the Rosetta Stone language learning program, but she hates getting wrong answers, so if she answers a question incorrectly she just restarts that unit!

Her English is excellent. She seems to understand most of what we say to her, and she is able to get her point across very well. Through a combination of her English, Abbat's limited (and my extremely limited) Amharic, an English/Amharic dictionary, and lots of gestures and pointing, we have been able to communicate quite well.

She seems very healthy. She has a lot more energy than I do! The day we arrived home, I went to bed at 7 pm and slept until 5 am. Desta stayed up with Abbat and the younger kids to watch a movie and didn't go to sleep until nearly 9 pm! She has seemed to breeze right through jet lag and accomodate to the new time zone. There was some confusion over her medication times (she wanted to know why she was taking her evening meds at lunchtime) but an Ethiopian friend of ours explained to her about the different time zones. The only real PITA with that has been that we have to wake her up at 11 pm and midnight for her medication. I have kept the times exactly as they were in Ethiopia, just adjusting for the (current) seven-hour difference. We meet with the infectious disease doctor on Tuesday and I am hoping that we will be able to gradually modify the med schedule so we don't have middle-of-the-night meds anymore.

The little kids LOVE Desta. They follow her around and constantly want to play with her. Efram says, "I love you, Desta" about 40 times a day. Ramona keeps asking Desta to chase her. Desta has played board games and card games with them and has drawn pictures and painted with them. She has handled their constant barrage of attention with surprising equanimity, only occasionally disappearing to her bedroom for a few minutes of break time. We do want her to know, however, that she won't be limited to social interaction with the little kids forever. We are looking into some activities for her that will involve her with kids around her age. Having lived in an orphanage, I'm sure she's very accustomed to lots of peer interaction, and while we don't want to replicate the orphanage environment, we do want her to have some friends!

Overall, things are going very well. So far I feel pretty rested and relaxed. There is a little bit of anxiety as far as feeling like, "I don't really know this person. If she leaves the room, should I follow her to make sure she's ok? If she's up in her room alone, is she glad to be alone or is she feeling lonely and sad? Is she hungry? Does she need anything?" I will be glad when I know her well enough to not worry about those things. But she is definitely my daughter, and I love her tremendously and I am sooooooo so glad that she is finally here.

Check back,
Enat

There's No Place Like Ethiopia

2006-05-28T10:29:00.000-04:00

There's no place like home, either, and home is where we all are, together, now.

So far the kids have played soccer, watched a movie, and played chase together. Aside from the fact that Efram and Ramona can't get close enough to Desta (they are practically on top of her at all times), things are great. Desta is taking it all in stride. At some point, though, the younger ones are going to have to leave her alone for five minutes.

I can't believe I am a mom of three.

I can't believe we are finally all together.

Desta is great, beautiful, strong, and brave.

I'll write more about my trip in the coming days.

Check back,
Enat

Hi Dad, It's me Desta

2006-05-25T15:08:00.000-04:00

That is what I heard when I answered my office phone just now!

I was so excited I didn't know what to say. She apparently didn't either, because she laughed and handed the phone to Enat.

I'm so on cloud 9 right now that I still don't know what to say.

More To Come,
Abbat

The Trip So Far

2006-05-25T11:56:00.000-04:00

Things seem to be going very well. They have been spending most of their time with Desta's siblings. Two of her brothers, and a sister have come up for the week. Enat video taped 3.5 hours of Desta's siblings talking about her parents and what life was like for her family when she was a young.

Enat said it was very emotionally draining for everyone. I think they were planning on visiting Efram's old orphanage today.

People rented an international cell phone, so I was able to breifly talk to Enat yesterday.

Desta was apparently very shy when they first got their, but as soon as they all went back to AHOPE, she opened up. She is calling Enat Mom, and me Dad. She was very excited to hear that I put her bed together.

There will be a fairly large group of friends meeting Desta at the airport. I am trying to make a sign of welcome, but I'm not exactly sure how to spell the welcome message.

What I'm thinking (for those of you with Ge'ez enabled computers) is:
ኤንኳን ድህና መጦሽ

or

ኤንኳን ደህና መቶሽ

Also included here as an image:

It is supposed to say welcome, in the feminine form. All of the examples I can find online are either "selam" which is actually "peace", or the polite form of welcome not the feminine. So, if anyone who speaks amharic can confirm or correct my attempts, please let me know. I know that the phrase I want is in our Lonely Planet Amharic Phrasebook, but that is unfortunately for me now in Addis with Enat. So even if you don't speak Amharic, but happen to have that book please let me know.

Things are going very well with the kids. They miss Mamma, but we've been doing so many fun things, that they are coping ok. I miss her too, and am soo anxious for them to be home.

More To Come,
Abbat

From Here to There

2006-05-22T17:57:00.000-04:00

Well, we dropped Enat off at the Airport at 11:30 yesterday, and through my flight tracking widget I was able to see that their plane landed safely in Addis at 3:05 EDT (10:05 PM Addis) this afternoon. Yeah... That's a looooonng time to be traveling.

The kids were very sad at the airport. They made a few requests for her not go go, and Ramona wanted to know why Desta couldn't just come here by herself. So far they've been just fine. Grandma watched them today, and they got to go to Taco Bell for lunch. To them Taco Bell and CiCi's Pizza are the greatest culinary achievements of mankind. Tomorrow it's off to Grandpa's house for some parks and soccer... and more than likely Taco Bell again.

I don't expect to hear from Enat tonight. I would expect she went straight to bed when she reached the guest house... If she stays awake that long.

We think there might have been some confusion as to what day Enat was arriving... That seems to happen there a lot. One of Desta's biological siblings was scheduled to come to Addis today to meet Enat, but she won't be getting to AHOPE until tomorrow. I can't imagine he would take the 8 hour bus ride to just be there for the day...

The Ethiopian director of AHOPE tells us that Desta is having mixed emotions... As are the staff. They are all excited for her, but they love her and will miss her. I think it's started to dawn on her that she probably will never see any of these people again. 11 is a tough age to go through that sort of thing.

The kids and I are off to plant some beans!

More to Come,
Abbat

Off we go, into the wild Blue Nile ...

2006-05-21T07:59:00.000-04:00

Yes, I am packed.

I'm all ready to go. I have my suitcase, my video camera, and my gifts for the kids at AHOPE.

My good friend from Chicago will be meeting me at O'Hare to help me pass the time during my SIX HOUR layover.

The reporter from People Magazine will be meeting my mother-in-law and me at the airport in Addis.

Best thing about getting ready to go: Packing Desta's stuff. It was fun choosing which of her clothes to take, and what kinds of things to take for her to do on the plane ride back. Efram and Ramona and I went to the store the other day and bought her a bathing suit and some cute jammies and some roller blades and a pair of sneakers. I figure that if the sneakers don't fit, I'll give them to AHOPE.

Worst thing about getting ready to go: My kids crying and saying "I don't want you to go!" Ramona says we should all move to Ethiopia so I don't have to go away to get Desta. Efram says, "I just love you so so much Momma. I want to be with you every day."

The reporter is taking a sat phone, so I hope to be able to call my family at least once.

I played a radio clip interview of me talking about adopting Desta for my dad and he cried. I think he's thawing out. He's already agreed to babysit for ALL the kids in late June when Abbat and I attend a friend's wedding. He asked me the other day whether Desta would enjoy going for a train ride and hearing a mariachi band.

Ramona wrote her first completely unassisted words the other day: SOML and ABL (sawmill and apple).

One of my friends came over for a few minutes yesterday and we talked about organic food and raw milk and breastfeeding, and it was very nice to feel normal for a few minutes, not like I was Standing On The Edge Of The Precipice Of The Great And Life-Changing Trip To Ethiopia To Bring Desta Home.

We planted our garden yesterday. We went to the garden store early in the morning and bought tomatoes, arugula, spinach, green beans, canteloupes, watermelons, broccoli, and lettuce. I spent about 3 hours tearing crab grass out of the garden. The soil is fabulously rich and healthy and it was a lot of fun to plant. I'm looking forward to the summer: a great garden, organic produce from the CSA (community supported agriculture) farm we joined, camping in the HUGE eight-person tent we bought on sale for $100 off, swimming, riding bikes, Dharma Center cook-outs, hanging out with friends ... all of this with all THREE of my children.

Check back,
Enat

No.

2006-05-18T12:06:00.000-04:00

I am not packed yet. Thanks for asking though.

Check back,
Enat

The View from 10 days 16 hours...

2006-05-15T20:03:00.000-04:00

Wow... We're almost there. Sometimes it seems like it's been forever, and sometimes it feels like we just started this whole thing.

Things are falling in place. The bed is finisted, and the holes in Desta's walls from the plumbing work have been patched. We've got sitters lined up for the kids while I'm at work next week. Enat's passport now has the correct spelling of her name.

The only hitch we've come across so far is the situation in Addis. There were 9 bombings in the city on Friday targeting civillians. 42 people were injured and at least 4 killed. There doesn't seem to be an consensus as to who is responsible. The Oromo Rebels have claimed no involvment, and the Prime Minister is blaming the political opposition groups. Who knows, but we emailed the agency to check whether or not they are discouraging people from continuing with their travel plans, and they are not.

It was a lovely Mothers day gift to call my mother and tell her that 9 bombs exploaded in the city she's travelling to next week... She took it alright. I think she was more concerned than she let on with, but she didn't back out or anything. I think that she was more concerned that my father would hear about the bombings and try to put his foot down. She said that he's been handling the whole situation better than she could have expected.

I'm of course concerned for both of their safety, and I discussed with Enat the possibility of postponing the trip, but she reminded me that our daughter is the one who is living there were all of this is going on and we need to get her home. She's right of course, but it's hard for me, being the one who is staying home to not feel guilty. I'm sending them off to a city that was bombed last week while I sit safely at home. I wanted to go of course, but we felt that it was better to have someone home with the kids; and this way I can take an additional week off of work when she gets home. Green Tara (a deity) is said to protect travelers, so I will be doing some additional practice and mantra recitation for them. I'd like to invite others to do the same, or whatever activity/prayer your faith would use to send positive energy their way.

So, I just have to say something about a subject that is getting really annoying. We were looking into a program by which we would own a share in a cow... yes, a cow. Through our ownership we would receive organic milk generated by this cow, and the cow would continue its free-range dairy life. We've come to find lately that cows that generate organic milk are not neccessarily treated any better than the hormone/steroid filled kind. Many organic dairys treat their cows like biological machines spending their entire life in a shed hooked up to milking machinery. I've always been into animal rights, but have never been able to get myself to go totally vegan. This seemed like a good solution, because the cow would get to spend most of her time doing what cows like to do, walking around eating grass, and we could enjoy some guilt-free milk.

So, the dairy farmer sends Enat an email with information about the program. She had talked to him at a local farmer's market, got to talking about our kids, and told him all about Desta. So, here is this email detailing how the program works, why it's a good thing... all that. Then at the end he throws in, "By the Way, did you know that HIV can be easily cured? Here is a brochure all about it." BLAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! It's driving me CRAZY!

This was far from an isolated incident. We seem to get this all the time these days. I'm not saying that all these AIDS cure consipiracy theory folks are nuts... no wait... that's exactly what I'm saying.

Lets just get this out of the way now, Ozone, Oxygen, Magnets, Accupucture all cure HIV roughly as well as jelly doughnuts. I'm not saying that these things (sans jelly doughnuts) can't have a positive effect on a person's immune system, but they do not cure HIV. The medical industry is not keeping the truth from you. Drug companies are not big monsters that would rather watch my daughter die than find a cure. Are drug companies about making money? Yes, but so is every other type of company. The thing about it is, that the people doing the research are not the people in charge of the money. The researchers are hard working men and women who do what they do because they have a desire to help people. Unless every single one of them is in on it there is no conspiracy.

Anyway... sorry about the rant, but everytime this comes up it's another slap in the face reminder that there is still no cure, and it has been building up.

More To Come,
Abbat

She's got a ticket to ride ...

2006-05-10T11:08:00.000-04:00

WOW!

It costs A LOT of money to fly to Ethiopia in the spring!

The last two times I traveled, I paid about $1300 for my ticket. I went in November and September, respectively. Now I will be going in May and my ticket is more than $2400!! I had only budgeted $3000 for the entire trip! It's a good thing that we got a travel grant. It will cover the cost of my ticket. Efram's ticket home was $700. Desta's is $1200! I had entertained wild, bourgeois ideas of staying at the Hilton, which is $125 a night through our travel agent. (Note: the rumor that the Hilton has a $74 adoption rate is just that, a rumor.) *Poof* Those ideas went right out the window when I got the cost of the tickets. The travel agent even called me personally to tell me the cost, because she didn't want to just send me the itinerary and have me faint from sticker shock. Ethiopian Airlines, whom I have flown in the past, has the most, ahem, reasonably priced tickets. For some reason, Ethiopian Air is booked solid into June. Even the waitlists are closed. British Air has the next most reasonably priced tickets, but their travel schedule is not convenient for me. Therefore, I am flying Lufthansa. Good things about Lufthansa: good customer service, no fee for changing the tickets if plans change. Bad things about Lufthansa: $$$ and I have to get a transit visa for Desta so that we can go through Frankfurt.

I am scheduled to leave on Sunday, May 21st. I will meet up with my mother-in-law in Chicago and we will fly together to Addis, arriving late in the evening on Monday the 22nd. I am not yet sure where we will stay. I am looking into the Yilma and also the adoption agency's guest house, where I stayed in September. I really liked the Imperial, where we stayed when we went to get Efram, but it's all the way across town from AHOPE, about a 45 minute drive. Too far away for convenience.

We will be departing to come home late at night on Friday the 26th, arriving back in our city at 3:15 pm on Saturday, May 27th.

My passport arrived on Saturday. Although the cost of the overnight mail there and back was not refunded to me, my check for the expediting fee was returned uncashed, with VOID written across it. Apparently my heartfelt letter to the passport people worked some magic!

At this point there seems to be nothing standing in the way of a successful departure on the 21st. This is, however, the adoption world, so I will be waiting to exhale until the plane actually lifts off as scheduled.

Check back,
Enat

World AIDS Orphans Day

2006-05-07T13:30:00.000-04:00

Thanks to my friend Erin over at the Transracial/Transcultural Adoption Blog (http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com) for the information about World AIDS Orphans Day. I actually had never heard of it. But it exists, and it's today.

According to the information at the World AIDS Orphans Day website (http://www.worldorphansday.org/en/index.php), there are over 15 million AIDS orphans worldwide right now, and another AIDS orphan is created every 15 seconds. By 2010, there will be over 100 million children orphaned or put at risk by HIV/AIDS. And as a friend of mine, himself an adoptive parent of two AIDS orphans, told me just yesterday, these kids are the forgotten of the forgotten.

In observance of World AIDS Orphans Day, I want to remind you that AHOPE Ethiopia, where Desta lives, always needs donations and sponsors. Sponsorship of an AIDS orphan/HIV+ child at AHOPE is $30 a month. If you cannot make an ongoing financial commitment, a one-time donation in any amount is always appreciated. You can visit AHOPE's website by clicking on their link on the right side of this blog. AHOPE has saved our daughter's life, and I encourage you to help them out if you can. Desta is, unfortunately, one of only a tiny handful of AIDS orphans/HIV+ children who will ever find an adoptive home. We have an obligation to help the children who are left behind.

Check back,
Enat

Round and Round and Round It Goes ...

2006-05-04T14:37:00.000-04:00

IT'S DONE!

It's done, it's done, it's done.

Several hours after Abbat posted this morning, I received an email from the woman at the Embassy. She briefly stated that they had applied more pressure to DHS in Nairobi and, low and behold, the I-601 was processed today! The Embassy should get the paperwork early next week, and they will process it immediately.

At this point I am planning to fly out the 20th, although I am hearing that the flights are very full. I have several people checking the availability of several different airlines. Everything is still in limbo and dependent on my passport, which is now an issue again.

Strangely, I have nothing else to say. What could I possible say to convey how I feel right now? I'll leave it to your imagination.

Check back,
Enat

Moving Target

2006-05-04T06:52:00.000-04:00

Well yesterday it was 8 weeks since our visa waiver had been filed in Addis. The one they told us should be approved within 8 weeks. So Enat emailed the Embassy in Addis and asked about the status. Our contact there then contacted Homeland Security in Nairobi, and was told that they are currently processing waivers that they received in January... Ours didn't make it to them until April. So we're looking at the prospect of 3 more months of waiting.

I guess the whole passport thing won't be an issue after all.

Let me assure you that we are not just going to sit here and wait. We've contacted the offices of our Senators and our Congressman. I faxed an official form to the office of our Senators, and was told by someone at our Congressman's office that the woman who handles adoption issues was in DC, but that she should be back in sometime today. I can also assure you that I won't be above playing the "We need to get our HIV+ orphan home so that we can start her medical treatment." card. Were going to do whatever we can think of to line-jump.

Three months from now would be August. Enat visited Desta last September. Eleven months is just an absurdly long time for this little girl to have to wait. Yes it's hard for us two, but we're not the ones without a family.

more to come,
Abbat

Another Hitch in my Get-Along

2006-05-02T12:55:00.000-04:00

So in mid-February I sent in my passport renewal form. The website said it would take about six weeks to get it back, so I figured it would be back by the end of March. No such luck. It arrived last week, nine weeks after I sent it in.

And my name is misspelled. Those of you who know me in real life may or may not have realized that my first name is not spelled the conventional way my name is spelled. (If you didn't realize it, don't worry. I didn't realize it for years, either.) The short version is that my dad named me after a friend of his: he liked the spelling of her name but not the pronunciation, so he he gave me her spelling and someone else's pronunciation. It's been pretty much a PIMA (that's "pain in my tookas" for the uninitiated) my whole life, and it has occasionally caused difficulties.

I figured, well, the National Passport Center people are the ones who messed it up (even though I sent a copy of my driver's license AND my old passport, both with my incorrectly spelled name spelled correctly), so they should be responsible for fixing it, right?

Well, not really. Don't forget that this is the government we are dealing with here. Yes, they are responsible, but no, they don't have to make it easy. I was able to speak with a woman at the National Passport Information Center (1-877-4USA-PPT just in case you ever need it) and I was told that my best option would be to to go to the passport processing center in Philadelphia, where I can simply walk in and have a passport "rewrite" done.

Well, that's great and all, but Philadelphia is 9 hours away. Ok, how about Seattle, Boston, or New Orleans? Well, considering that I am in OHIO, those are not good options, either. The lady then asked me, can I leave for Ethiopia a day early, fly to Philadelphia, get my passport redone, and then head on to Addis? Well, would YOU do that? No, me neither. My other option is I can send my old passport, my new passport, two new passport photos, and form 5504 in and they will give me a new passport. There is no charge for this service. It takes six weeks.

Ok, my sister lives in Philadelphia. I was actually plotting a trip to visit her when I decided to call the NPIC back for a better answer. This time I spoke with another woman, who once again advised me to go to Philadelphia. When I explained the situation more fully, she put me on hold and then came back to tell me that I can send my old passport, my new passport, two new passport photos, and form 5504 to the passport center that processed my renewal (NOT the address I am told on form 5504 to send the form to), mark it URGENT!!!, and include a letter explaining that I am departing any-day-now to go to Ethiopia to bring home my kid. And it is at the passport center's discretion as to how quickly they will process it. And I have to send it by overnight mail, include an overnight mail return envelope, and pay them $60 to expedite the rewrite. Then I *should* get it within two weeks. And my free replacement passport will end up costing me $100.75 (new passport photos, overnight mail fees, and the expediting fee).

At the woman form the NPIC's suggestion, I included a letter asking that I be reimbursed for the postage and expediting fees. When you hear the sounds of uproarious laughter from somewhere far away (Portsmouth, NH, to be exact), you will know that it is the passport people ROTFLTAO (that's "rolling on the floor laughing their tookases off" for the uninitiated) at my request.

So, now my passport is gone, I have no idea when it will be back (keep in mind my six week renewal took nine weeks) and I could be told ANY DAY NOW that it's time to go get Desta. That big silence you hear is me not holding my breath for that one, either. I was told by the Embassy in Addis that the waiver would take less than 8 weeks to process. Tomorrow it will be eight weeks. No news yet.

Check back,
Enat

In the Jailhouse Now

2006-04-25T19:53:00.000-04:00

That's Efram's favorite song, from the soundtrack to O Brother Where Art Thou?

Still no news.

I was, however, recently crushed to learn that one of the children at AHOPE whom I met and spent time with when I visited Desta in September died in November. I had not known that. I knew she was very sick when I was there, but she had recently started meds and I believed that she would get better. This girl was very sweet and I had been very much looking forward to seeing her again when I went to get Desta. I think stunned is the right word to describe how I felt when I read the news. I had just returned from a meditation retreat at the Dharma Center and was feeling very mellow. The news of this girl's death turned the mood from mellow to somber. I took a picture of this lovely girl to the Dharma Center the next day and the visiting lama agreed to do a blessing for her.

Speaking of the lama, here is a very funny little story that I am completely plagiarizing from a post I made to a discussion board of which I am a member. The lama that the Dharma Center is hosting is the principle student of our teacher, Garchen Rinpoche, and is a very highly realized, 50-something man who has spent the vast majority of his life as a monk, much of that time in a monastery in Tibet.

I went over to the center yesterday to serve him lunch. There were two adoptive parents there (me and another woman), the young translator (who is American), and the lama.

The lama wanted to know about our children, because he had noticed that they don't look like us. The translator did not know the word for "adoption" in Tibetan, but she was able to make the lama understand that we had gone to other countries and brought these children who did not have families home to be our children.

The lama said, "Ah, yes," and then he went on an extended discourse in Tibetan. The poor translator was struggling not to laugh. When the lama was done speaking, she said to me and the other woman, "Rinpoche has some advice for you."

This was his advice: Do not tell our children that they are adopted, at least for the first several years after they come to us. The children need some time to bond with us as their parents. If we give them this time, then they will come to see us as their real parents and we will come to see them as our real children. They will love us, and we them, as much as if we gave birth to them. Then, when they are grown, they will be as loyal to us as they would be had we given birth to them, and if someone came along and tried to tell them that we are not their real parents, they will become very angry and protest vigorously that we ARE their real parents. Also, he wanted us to know that our children might be jealous of one another and argue, but that when they grow up they will love each other.

I thought that was a very sweet assessment of things from someone who has little understanding of adoption and very little contact with the world outside of his religious studies.

So, that's all the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.

Check back,
Enat

Banned in the PRC!

2006-04-17T20:38:00.000-04:00

Today we're going to begin in China. There are several reasons that China has been on my mind, but the blog related reason is quite comical. It appears that our blog has been blocked from view within the People's Republic of China. Yes you read that correctly, we've been banned in China. The photographer who was here from People Magazine last week went on assignment in China a few days after she visited with us. We gave her the address for the blog and she apparently tried to check it out while there. bringingdestahome.blogspot.com..... ERRRRRRRNNNNT! No dice.

I don't know why specifically this has happened. I don't know if the PRC has spiders that go around looking for sights that mention Tibetan Buddhism, or maybe it was that we mentioned our teacher His Eminence Garchen Rinpoche, who spent nearly 20 years in a Chinese prison camp after China "reclaimed" Tibet. I know that Yahoo!China blocks any search results on the Dalai Lama that aren't officially approved condemnations of him (Google China however refuses to compromise their integrity by doing such.)

Perhaps all adoption blogs are blocked there to try and prevent people from reading about the Chinese adoptions. Whatever the reasons, if you happen to be going to China anytime soon, don't plan on getting any updates from us while you are there. First they trot out their phony balony Panchen Lama, now this.

As Enat said we've had no news recently. It's back to that nervous what's going on stage of the cycle. Adoptive parents know what I'm talking about. You get good news, you've completed another step along in the process then... you wait... and it feels like you're never going to get your kid. You're not hearing any news so you start to wonder if something has gone wrong... Fortunately we've made a lot of friends in the Ethiopian adoption community and we get occasional pictures of our daughter and lots of offers to take letters and gifts to her.

As far as preparations are concerned, I've been working on refinishing a bed for Desta. The posts have a lot of grooves on them so it's been a chore to get all of the varnish and stain out of them, but it's coming along. I'm not the handiest of handymen, but I enjoy it.

Enat gave me a CD ROM on learning Amharic for Christmas, and I've been working on that every day at lunch. I'm REALLY enjoying that. I wrote to Desta that I was learning Amharic, and that maybe should could help me learn more when she gets here.

I'm really getting anxious these days... I just want my daughter to be here.

more to come (unless you're in China,)
Abbat

No news is ...

2006-04-17T07:28:00.000-04:00

No news. Every morning I run down to the computer, expecting an email from the Embassy or from the DHS in Nairobi. So far, nothing. On Wednesday it will be six weeks since our I-601 was submitted in Addis. They said it would take less than eight weeks. So we have to be close, right?

We did receive some pictures of Desta receiving a letter we sent her. The pictures are precious. She has such a sincere smile on her face. I was very grateful to receive them.

I got an email yesterday from a dear friend of mine who was, until yesterday evening, in Ethiopia. (I am assuming the email was sent from Ethiopia.) She went to visit Desta, and, while her email was short, she did mention that Desta looked great. My friend should be home today with her two kids, so I hope to be able to talk to her soon about her visit with Desta.

I had a plumber come out and look at the plumbing situation in Desta's bedroom. His verdict was that it would cost $400-500 dollars and would require ripping up part of the floor. Then we had our neighbor, who does contract work on the side, come take a look. He said he could fix the problem with a shoe box-sized hole in the ceiling underneath the pipes and a 50-cent piece of PVC pipe. He made the hole, fixed the pipe, patched the ceiling, and patched the hole in Desta's wall. For $100. Yay, we love our neighbor!

A friend of mine posted a bulletin at her church of the things we were looking for for Desta. Last week Abbat was able to pick up a mattress and box springs as well as some very cute bedding from a family who saw the bulletin. We have also been given more clothing for Desta, as well as some books and stuffed animals. I went out and bought some art supplies for her. Things seem to be coming along nicely in that area.

In other news, some good friends of ours visited this past week. My friend Carrie and her husband live in Abbat's hometown, and Carrie brought her two boys, who are 8 and 6, to stay with us for the week. They are the family who introduced us to the Dharma, and we are very similar in lots of other ways, too. They are currently waiting for their daughter from China. We had a lot of fun while they were here. We went to the children's museum and to several different parks and played in the backyard. Carrie and I love to talk about our "brood" of children and how we need to live together in some sort of Buddhist love commune with our 8 or 10 naked children running through the forest.

In seriousness, Abbat and I have talked frequently about moving back to where Abbat was raised. His parents and grandparents and sisters are still in that area, and Carrie and her family are there. We really think it would be great to live close to them. Abbat's family socializes together, while my family, whom we currently live close to, does not. Carrie and her husband are going to start homeschooling their kids next year, so we would have one another for support in that respect, too. Abbat's uncle owns some land way out in a holler that would be a beautiful place to raise kids.

But, the area is an economically depressed steel town, and the mill probably won't be around much longer anyway. The culture there is not exactly what one would call liberal, diverse, or cosmopolitan. We are not really sure how our Buddhist, vegetarian, homeschooling, transracial adoptive family with an HIV+ member would fare there. Abbat says that he doesn't want to feel "stuck" in that area with little opportunity, and he doesn't want the kids to feel stuck there either. There's a lot to consider.

This week, our dharma center is hosting Traga Rinpoche, a highly realized lama and the principle student of our center's founder and spiritual director, Garchen Rinpoche (who is currently in Tibet. We attended his 70th birthday party on Friday). Traga Rinpoche will be here for two weeks, and there are many, many activities that will be going on at the temple. Many more than we can make time for or afford, unfortunately. I will be doing some volunteering for some events and attending a few of them. Abbat and I are both very excited about this, as it is a very fortuitous and karmically blessed opportunity for us.

Check back,
Enat

A Pleasant Surprise

2006-04-10T09:51:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning expecting and hoping for an email from the Department of Homeland Security in Nairobi, Kenya. I emailed them last week to see what the status of Desta's I-601 was. There was no email from them, but there was an email from a fellow adoptive mom who was in Addis last week and who had spent some time with Desta and taken pictures. She had a lot of very sweet things to say about Desta, and the photos were wonderful.

Desta looks great and like she is very happy. A follow-up email exchange with the woman who sent the pictures revealed that Desta *is* doing great, and while very excited about coming to America, is very happy at AHOPE. I mentioned to this woman that I was concerned about Desta really believing that I would be coming back for her, and I was assured that Desta KNOWS that I will come. Apparently Desta received the most recent letter we sent her (via another adoptive parent) while this woman was there, and she was able to read it to Desta.

This weekend we had a photographer hired by People Magazine come to visit us and take pictures for the article People will publish about our adoption. The reporter was very nice and we had an enjoyable time hosting her. I was completely tickled to find out that she is good friends with one of my favorite NPR reporters. We laughed about the fact that if someone mentioned to me that one of their best buds was Brad Pitt, I'd be like, "Oh, cool," but when I find out that someone's best bud is an NPR reporter, I'm all "WOW! That's so awesome! Ooooooh, what's he like? Tell me all about him!!" It reminds me of the song that goes "But you know where it is, yo it usually depends on where you start." Brad Pitt? Eh, ok. NPR reporter? YES!!

Actually, in all fairness to Mr. Pitt, I was extremely impressed by him when I watched a Diane Sawyer show in which she accompanied Brad to Ethiopia to see firsthand the work he has done there and meet some of the people he's helped. Diane tried on several occasions to turn the conversation to the Jennifer Aniston/Angelina Jolie thing (this was before Ms. Jolie's famous Ethiopian adoption) and Brad deftly redirected the conversation to his work in Ethiopia and with the ONE Campaign nearly every time. I don't follow the news on celebrities because, for the most part, I could care less about the lifestyles of the rich and famous, but I do hope that Brad and Angelina find room in their family for more kids in need of homes, and I hope that their actions impact others. Diane Sawyer, btw, did the report showing an orphan in a displaced persons camp in Mali that inspired the woman who runs the adoption agency we used to adopt Efram.

So, the I-601 has been cleared by the CDC and is, as far as I know, in Nairobi for the final review. It is my understanding that as soon as Nairobi approves it, the visa can be issued and I can be on a plane over there. We are expecting word that the I-601 has been approved to arrive any day. Please keep Desta in your thoughts and, if applicable, your prayers.

Check back,
Enat

The Long Lost Blogger

2006-03-30T22:15:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not, this is actually Abbat. Enat is much better at keeping up with the day to day updates, and I've really appreciated all the help. I've been so busy that finding time for anything other than work and family time has been hard to do.

I do have a few things that I wanted to let everyone know about.

Firstly, we came home to an answering machine message a few weeks ago left by the Ethiopian Anesthesiologist from Efram's ear surgery. He wanted to invite our family to his son's baptism. We called him back and gladly accepted the invitation.

When we first got there I was kind of nervous. It was the first time we would be around a large group of Ethiopians with Efram since we had left Addis. I was nervous that I was going to feel like we were being judged by the whole Ethiopian community. Usually I'm the last person to care what people think of me, but this was kind of different. Apparently we passed any judgements with flying colors. They all thought Efram was adorable, and were so happy to meet us. The were all very interested in Desta, and wanted to help in any way they could. They informed us of a weekley meeting of Ethiopians at a local church, and many many people offered to get their children together with Desta. The only time I felt uncomfortable was when a woman asked me what church we went to. When I told her we were Buddhist her reply was, "Oh... Ok... *long silence*"

A lot of them were amazed that were were able to adopt Desta, and that the US would allow her in to the country. Overall it was a really great time, we made a lot of contacts, and got to eat some good Ethiopian food.

We also had a visitor a few weeks ago from People Magazine. People will be doing a whole series of articles on our family and our adoption. The reporter will be traveling to Addis with Enat to document the trip, and will follow up with us for the first year that Desta is here. Hopefully the articles will give people a good sense of how adoption builds families, and what people looking into adoptiong older children can expect.

The reporter spent the day with Enat and the kids, and then we all went out to dinner when I arrived home from work. She seems very nice, and we're confident that she will write articles highlighting the positive aspects of International Adoption.

There is way too much more to talk about... and I promise I'll get to it this weekend, or early next week

Back to the Grindstone.

More to Come,
Abbat

You Can't Get It There from Here

2006-03-30T20:14:00.000-05:00

You know that phrase "You can't get there from here"? Well, that's how I felt today, only it wasn't me who was trying to go somewhere. It was some paperwork. In specific, it was a letter to the Department of Homeland Security stating that Desta is aware of her HIV status and promises not to infect anyone else. (???)

I found out this morning that I needed to write this letter, sign it, have Abbat sign it, scan it, and email it to the Embassy. We accomplished this in about 20 minutes, thanks to magic computer wizard husband who not only knows how to use a scanner but actually remembered that we have one. But the Embassy wanted to have the original, too. The last batch of paperwork we Fed-Exed to Ethiopia cost us $75. I didn't really want to get into that again. Luckily, the director of our agency is leaving for Ethiopia on Monday. Surely, I thought, I can send it overnight mail and everything will be fine.

Silly me. I thought there actually WAS a thing called "overnight mail" via the United States Postal Service. That was my first mistake. My second mistake was waiting for Abbat to get home from work so that I could go to the post office sans my two preschoolers. I got to the post office, filled out the slip for the "express" (not "overnight") mail, and was all ready to pay when I was informed that my friendly and efficient USPS could get the letter there by 3 pm MONDAY. Umm, hello, this is THURSDAY. THAT'S all the faster you can get it there? Well, aparently our adoption agency is in The Middle of Nowhere, and that's all the faster the USPS can get something there when I choose to come 45 minutes after their last truck of the day has left. I guess that was my third mistake, thinking that, if the post office is open until 7:30, I can actually send something from the post office if I get there by 7:30. I told the lady that it HAD to get there tomorrow. She was unmoved by my pleas and protestations.

I came home and called Fed-Ex. Sure, they can get it there, if I send it tonight. But I'm not sure I can make it to a Fed-Ex station in time. What happens if I send it tomorrow? Well, they can get it there by Monday. Via "overnight" service. Um, overnight from Friday is SATURDAY. Apparently Fed-Ex works on a business day schedule, and Saturday and Sunday don't count when calculating "overnight." Grrrrr.

Oh, and by the way, it's going to cost FORTY-TWO DOLLARS for the privilege of getting fleeced by Fed-Ex. Three times the cost of the USPS's lackluster service.

So I hauled my proverbial hiney downtown and dashed into the Fed-Ex station (not just as it's closing, although that would heighten the dramatic tension). The bright spot in this story is that the woman I talked to at 1-800-GO-FED-EX was smoking crack (to borrow an appropriate phrase from Abbat) when she told me that it would cost $42. It actually cost only $24.

I can think of very few other instances in which my trials and tribulations in trying to get a letter sent across the country would make for interesting reading. And maybe this isn't even one of those instances.

Check back,
Enat

Big Fat Pregnant

2006-03-27T22:17:00.000-05:00

Suppose you were pregnant. REALLY pregnant. Big, fat, and waddling. You've been pregnant A LONG TIME. You WANT YOUR BABY. You're READY FOR THIS TO BE OVER.

But you don't know when you're due.

You could find out that you're having the baby tomorrow, but then again, you might not have the baby for three more months.

Add to that the frustration of watching all the people you know who got pregnant AFTER you happily delivering their babies.

That's how I feel.

Check back,
Enat

Expedition

2006-03-21T10:47:00.000-05:00

I have not been able to get access to the blog for almost a week. The page just wouldn't load, and I couldn't get to any of the other Blogspot blogs that I read, either. Today I tried using a different browser and, even though the blog still won't load on my regular browser, it popped right up with this browser.

Weird.

I have been emailing with the woman at the Embassy in Addis who is responsible for Desta's I-601. She seems very nice, although our contact is a bit stilted and formal. She has started signing her emails with just her first name, but I haven't yet taken the leap of addressing her as such. And I still sign my emails "Yours respectfully." I am so paranoid of rubbing these people the wrong way! Anyway, her friendliness or lack thereof is not the point. I found out this morning that our I-601 is either at or on its way to the CDC in Atlanta. I emailed the CDC woman and asked how long the processing would take. She replied that it would take 4-6 weeks (including travel time by diplomatic mail pouch) UNLESS the Embassy requested an expedited review. The it would take about TWO DAYS! Of course I immediately emailed the Embassy and requested an expedited review. The Embassy woman responded that she would check to make sure an expedited review had been requested. Of course, this all hinges on the Department of Homeland Security office in Nairobi, Kenya, being willing to accept faxed documents rather than originals. So I'm not holding my breath. You can hold yours though, if you think it will help.

We have a big hole in the wall in Desta's room. Abbat likes to take on household projects himself rather than hiring in help. Desta's bedroom used to be the kitchen of an apartment when our house was two apartments. It still had warm and cold water pipes sticking out of the wall, which has bugged Abbat to a degree that mystifies me ever since we moved here four years ago. He finally decided to take the pipes by the horns, so to speak, and, using a blowtorch and some other various implements, he did something to the pipes so that they no longer stick out of the wall. Unfortunately, whatever he did has caused the drain pipe to leak. If we use the sink in the bathroom behind Desta's room, water drips through the ceiling fan in our real kitchen and we have a puddle on the floor.

My brothers are plumbers and I called them and asked them to come check it out. They said that they had a big job in another city but would come soon. That was about two weeks ago. We still have a big hole in the wall and can't use the upstairs bathroom sink, and I have heard nothing from either brother. We're going to have to get this taken care of soon! We have a friendly relationship with both brothers and their families (they are actually stepbrothers) but we rarely see them. I don't even know whether they know we are adopting again.

Abbat will soon begin sanding down and refinishing a bed that came from his grandparents. We still need a mattress, bedclothes, and more clothes for Desta. We plan to just get some inexpensive bedclothes and, after Desta has been here for a bit, let her pick colors for her room and then strip the wallpaper, paint, and select bedclothes and accessories that match the paint color she chooses. I think that will be a nice job for Desta and her dad to do together.

On Saturday we went to Build-A-Bear and let Ramona and Efram make stuffed animals for Desta (we had BAB gift cards). Ramona made a koala, her current favorite animal, and Efram made a puppy. They are sitting on Desta's dresser with their clothes, which the kids will not let us put on them. They insist that Desta has to dress the animals.

I have hung up a few pictures in Desta's room, and I also hung up a little Ethiopian religious icon that was given to us by a reporter who wrote an article for the local paper about our adoption of Efram. It's hard to know how to decorate her room. On the one hand, I don't want her to come over here and think, "Wow, these people didn't even decorate my bedroom," but on the other hand, I don't want her to come over here and think, "Wow, these people sure have bad taste! This room is ugly!" I kinda feel like what her room looks like is going to be the last thing on her mind, but that doesn't really mean we should neglect it. I want her to be able to choose a room that she likes, but I don't want her to think we didn't care enough to make a nice room for her. It is a nice room, but ... well, what does an eleven year old want her room to look like anyway?

In a similar vein, I have been noticing all the imperfections and need-to-be-dones around our house and getting self-conscious about them. What if Desta thinks we are super-rich (which we are, by Ethiopian standards) and expects some gilded palace when all we have to offer is our humble little abode? My friend who is waiting for a daugher from China recently mentioned that she is worried that, because a lot of people who adopt internationally are wealthy, her daughter will grow up feeling like, "Why didn't I get a rich family?" Yay, something else to worry about! But really, I know that the kids in the orphanages pass around all kinds of misinformation about what life in America will be like, and what if Desta is disappointed when she sees what we're all about? "Welcome to your homeschooling, vegetarian, heathen, slightly-hippie, decidedly middle-class life in America!"

Check back,
Enat

Ps. One of these days Abbat will get around to updating on two interesting and exciting developments!

Counting Down

2006-03-16T07:47:00.000-05:00

From our adoption agency I received the email address of the consular official in Addis who is handling Desta's I-601. Last Thursday evening I emailed her, introduced myself, and politely inquired as to how long we could expect the I-601 process to take. Efram's asthma coughing woke me up at 3:30 in the morning (he was still sleeping, of course), and as I lay in bed trying to go back to sleep, my eyes suddenly popped open and I thought, "It's 11:30 in Addis!" I rushed downstairs to the computer and was very disappointed to find no reply.

However, when I woke up at 6:30, there was a reply waiting for me. The consular official told me that Desta's I-601 is a consular priority and should be completed within eight weeks. (Keep in mind that it has to travel from Addis to Nairobi, Kenya to the CDC in Atlanta and back again.) She also gave me the address of the people in Nairobi, but I haven't emailed them yet. That's on my schedule for today.

Eight weeks! Now, I know better than to pin my hopes on any arbitrary timeline, but if it takes 8 weeks, it will be done the first week of May. And I can go over as soon as it's approved! I could, theoretically, be traveling the second week of May.

I'm gearing up emotionally for a summer with my daughter. As much as I wish she could have been here already, part of me feels like it's a good thing she will get here in warm weather. Things go so much better with the kids when we aren't cooped up in the house. Just the few days of reasonably warm weather we've had recently have made a big difference in Ramona and Efram's attitudes. (Of course, there's the whole WTF? factor of Ohio weather, like the day we played outside in short sleeves in the morning and in the afternoon it snowed. But regardless, warm weather is definitely on the way.) Although I don't intend to bombard Desta with an overcrowded schedule, I do think that being able to go to parks and nature centers and classes held by the Metroparks people and to the pool, etc., will give us some nice things to do together as a family that are slightly less intense than sitting around the house all the time. Gardening will be an enjoyable activity. We're looking into getting a new swingset, because the one we have would probably be too small for Desta. Abbat wants to get one of those inflatable four-foot-depth pools for the backyard, but I am not sure I am up for the daily maintanence it would require. Maybe next year.

We applied for an adoption grant back in the fall and were denied because our timeline was too sketchy. We re-applied recently and received notice that we have made it through the first round of consideration. We are in the process of sending the documents the grant agency requested for the final review. A grant of any amount would help considerably.

I recently wrote an essay about waiting for Desta that was published by the online international adoption magazine Rainbow Kids. You can see the article at http://www.rainbowkids.com/2006/03/humanitarian/306h.chtml.

The group I started for Ethiopia adoptive families in our area has really taken off. In a month we have grown to about twenty families, and our first get-together is planned for April.

In non-adoption news, Efram's asthma has flared up again and he has been needing nebulizer treatments, nasal spray, and a once-a-day asthma and allergy med. The combination of those things keeps him just about functional. We have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Last year at this time Efram came down with pneumonia, which is how we discovered his asthma. It seems to be seasonal. Efram has recently made a real cognitive leap and has gone from just "being along for the ride" (as Abbat put it) to really seeming to understand what's going on around him. I was watching a documentary on Stonehenge, and Efram was hanging around. Later that evening, he took two sticks and put them together and told Abbat he was making a boat to float a big rock on, just as they had demonstrated in the documentary. We were floored. Last Monday we had Efram's speech evaluated. He is officially 37 months old. His receptive language was on a six-year level. His expressive language was on a five-year level. His articulation was on a two-year level. The post-eval report indicated he has a "severe" articulation problem, and he will be starting speech therapy. It's good to know that there's a reason we can't understand him!

Ramona read her first words on Tuesday. She has, for a long time, been able to sound out the letters in words, but the actual blending of the sounds into a recognizable word was eluding her. Suddenly, on Tuesday, it seemed to click, and in the course of the day she read six words. Yesterday I gave her alphabet cards in CVC (consonant-vowel-consonant) combinations, told her what words the letters spelled, and asked her to arrange them appropriately. She spelled five words that way. Also on Tuesday, she started Spanish classes with some of the other kids from her homeschool group. She really enjoyed it and learned (and has retained) a lot for a half-hour class. Yesterday we played Chutes and Ladders and a kids' version of Uno, counting entirely in Spanish.

Check back,
Enat

Shortest Update in History

2006-03-08T12:32:00.000-05:00

We receive confirmation that the I-601 was submitted today.

Check back,
Enat

The Verdict

2006-03-07T13:46:00.000-05:00

I was hoping Abbat could update for y'all, but he's busy again with freelance work, so here I am.

The short of it is that, last Wednesday (the 1st), we had to decide whether to send our I-601 waiver info to Ethiopia so that it would be there in time for Desta's visa interview or hang onto it in hopes that we would hear from our Congressman's casework manager that our local CIS office would accept and process our I-601.

We wanted to get the process started, so we took a gamble and Fed-Exed the stuff to Ethiopia (for about $90).

The next day, we heard from the casework manager.

The verdict?

Processing the I-601s is a State Department, not an Immigration, issue, so it must be handled by the Embassy.

Whew! Our gamble paid off, and we are officially on the road to having the waiver processed.

Now, what does it mean for the families in Chicago whose CIS office processed their I-601s? I don't know. I hope we didn't ruin it for other families by initiating this Congressional inquiry. I notified Chanced By Choice that this is the answer we received. I'll let them do with this info what they will. I hope that everything continues as planned for those Chicago families.

I will be sending a letter that explains our experience to my Congressman's office to be forwarded to Congressional aides and Immigration in hopes that something can be done to streamline this process for those who will come after us. But even if this process changes, it will come too late for us.

Desta's visa interview is tomorrow. The I-601 will be submitted, and the wait will begin. The first family who did this through our agency waited 6.5 months. The second family waited 3 months. If this trend continues, we will wait six weeks, and, as Abbat says, eventually families will only have to wait about a second.

Here's to hoping!

Check back,
Enat

More on the Family Front

2006-02-26T16:38:00.000-05:00

Today my sister called to talk to Ramona, who had her fourth birthday on Friday. Ramona was busy with something else and didn't want to talk, so I took the opportunity to have a chat with my sister, who lives nine hours away. We don't get to see each other nearly as often as I would like, but we have a good relationship, and my sister is one of the people in my life that I can always talk to.

My sister is a PhD in immunology, and she is married to another immunology PhD who is also an MD. My sister is one of the first people we told about Desta. In fact, my sister knew about Desta before anyone else in either of our families.

I mentioned to my sister my recent conversation with my dad about Desta. I asked my sister whether her husband would be willing to talk to my dad about his concerns about HIV. My sister (wisely, in my opinion) said that they were trying to stay out of the middle of this so that they wouldn't end up upsetting us or other family members with anything they said, but she did say that, if my dad brings it up on his upcoming visit to them, her husband would probably be willing to give my dad his medical opinion.

My sister also mentioned that she has concerns about how this adoption will affect our whole family, given the likely outcome of HIV. She said that she is concerned that, as stressed out as I am about the adoption, actually living with HIV is going to be much, much more stressful, and will I be able to handle it? She was concerned about the financial impact on our family, as well.

I really appreciated my sister's willingness to talk openly about this with me. Aside from Abbat's mother and younger sister, who are both excited for us, pretty much everyone else in the family doesn't want to talk about it. I think it is hard for them to conceptualize Desta as anything more than a disease because none of them have ever met her and HIV is such a huge, scary issue. It's hard sometimes that our families aren't more excited for us that we are gaining a daughter. Because that is how Abbat and I feel. Yes, there will be significant emotional, medical, and financial challenges. But Desta is our daughter as surely as Ramona is, and we knew that the day we met her. I think it is hard for people who haven't adopted to understand that, when you meet your child, you know that she is your child and you know that you have to do everything in your power to bring her home. You just have to. Abbat tried to explain that to his younger sister, and she answered him with a vague "Yeah ..." and he knew that she didn't really understand. But that's understandable. Unless you have adopted, you just don't know. I guess it's like trying to tell someone who has never been through labor what it feels like. You just don't know unless you've done it.

But back to my sister, she did say that she thought she knew how I was feeling, that we see Desta as a child who needs a home and we will deal with the rest as it comes. We like to think that we are a little more prepared than that, but I think she pretty much hit the nail on the head. Desta is our daughter. She needs us and we need her. HIV complicates that, but it doesn't negate it.

It's hard for me because I have never really been in the position of having someone close to me do something that I really don't agree with. I don't know how I would respond if I were in the position that my parents and some of Abbat's family are in. But I think it's a little bit late in the game to simply pretty much ignore it, and I don't really think it's fair to Abbat and me that we are supposed to just not talk about this huge aspect of our life with certain people just because it makes them uncomfortable. Part of me feels like we just need to tell these people, "This is happening whether you like it or not, so we need to sort it out now," but another part of me feels like that would come off as confrontational and threatening. But considering that, back in the summer, my dad told my step-mom that he didn't even want to SEE Desta when she arrived, I do really want to know how drastically our relationships with certain family members are going to change once Desta is here.

Anyway, Abbat should be posting soon with some happier news. I'll try to quit taking over his blog now. I just have so much to say these days!

Check back,
Enat

Halfway There

2006-02-24T13:51:00.000-05:00

At least that's how the Congressman's casework manager put it. As of 11:30 this morning, this is where things stand:

1) Our local CIS office will not process the I-601.

2) Chicago cannot process our I-601 because we are not in their region.

3) Chicago might not even be able to process anyone's I-601s.

4) The casework manager has been on the phone with several different people on this issue and, as she explained it to me, the next step is to determine whether processing the I-601s is an Immigration issue or a State Department issue. If it's an Immigration issue, then what Chicago is doing is fine and our local office will have to do it, too. If it's a State Department issue, then ONLY the US Embassy in the involved country can process the I-601s and Chicago will not be able to do it anymore.

5) I don't know what it would mean for the people who have had their I-601's processed through Chicago if it was ultimately determined that Chicago did not have the authority to do this. I would really hate to be the family who ruined it for other people, but then again, as the casework manager told me, if it was determined that these families' I-601s were improperly processed, the Embassies would make them re-do them anyway.

6) The casework manager says we should know something by Monday. I believe her, because she actually CALLS ME BACK.

Check back,
Enat

Random Question:

2006-02-23T17:49:00.000-05:00

When you call Citizenship and Immigration, and they say they will call you back by the end of the day, why don't they?

I had to get my Congressman's office involved the get our local CIS office to call me back, even though every time I called they assured me they would get back to me by the end of the day.

The casework manager and I both called Chicago CIS today. The message on their answering machine (apparently they don't actually take your call during public call-in time, they just take a message) assured me that my call would be returned by 5 pm. (It also stated several times, very emphatically, that I was ONLY allowed to leave my name and two contact numbers--NO MESSAGE). It is eight minutes until 5 pm in Chicago. It's possible, I suppose, that they will still slip in under the wire with a call, but, as they say, I ain't holdin' my breath.

Thanks to everyone who sent supportive emails and left comments today. I'll let you know when we have some news.

Check back,
Enat

Live Update Number 1

2006-02-23T10:16:00.000-05:00

I got a phone call from CIS this morning that our orphan petition (I-600) has been approved and faxed/emailed to the Embassy in Addis Ababa.

However, Cincinnati CIS has declined to accept and process our I-601, the visa waiver. They say it has to go through the Embassy, which could take 3-6 MONTHS.

Our Congressman's casework manager will be calling the Chicago CIS office to see whether THEY will accept and process the I-601.

Check back,
Enat

Straight to the Top!

2006-02-22T19:34:00.000-05:00

Sort of. If there were a top. Which I don't think there is. I thought about titling this "Bringing in the Big Guns," but hey, we're pacifists, so a military analogy didn't seem appropriate.

Anyway, this is Enat, and I know this is supposed to be Abbat's blog, but sometimes I'm either bursting with something to say or Abbat doesn't have the time to update, so I do. In this case it's a little of both.

First off, today I went straight to the top! At the suggestion of a fellow adoptive parent/Bringing Desta Home reader, I decided to see what my Congressman could do for me. Even though he's a Republican, I figured our case was pathetic/pitiful/compelling enough that he could overlook the fact that I am NOT a Republican and didn't vote for him and help us anyway. (Abbat chimed in with the fact that this Congressman is "the only Republican [he's] ever voted for," so perhaps we do have some claim to this guy's sympathy after all. Hee hee.) So this morning I called his office in our hometown and told them that we were adopting, were having some issues, and wondered if they could help. I ended up speaking to our Congressman's casework manager, who, I gather, works on immigration issues. I briefly described the situation and this woman, a breath of sweet, fresh air, uttered words that made me just want to kiss her. She said, in effect, "I have a direct line to CIS and I will call them and put some pressure on them. I have done this before with good results. And, if our CIS office wont' help you, we'll find one that will." *sound of my jaw crashing to the floor* Someone who cares and, better yet, actually might be able to help!!

The kids were scheduled to play with some friends this afternoon, so I took the opportunity to drop off a letter at our Congressperson's office outlining our situation. Good sign number 1: the casework manager had already spoken to CIS. She told me that she would be faxing a copy of our letter to CIS and would tell them that she needs an answer by 10:00 am tomorrow. Good sign number 2: she took the name and number of the CIS worker in Chicago who is processing I-601s and said that she was the next person to contact should we fail with our local CIS office. Unfortunately, we only have about a week before we have to decide whether to try to submit the paperwork in the States or whether we are going to send the paperwork to Ethiopia to be submitted at Desta's visa hearing on March 8th. But I feel better just knowing that someone, anyone is trying to help us.

After I dropped off the letter and had a nice little chat with the casework manager, I went to the post office to mail in my passport renewal form. Ten years ago I got a passport so I could go live in Belgium with my then-boyfriend. How far I have come in those 10 years! After the post office, it was off to our local K-Mart, where I purchased a cute pink t-shirt with the words "Sunshine Girl," a mini Care Bear dressed up like a butterfly, and a few art supplies for Desta. Friends adopting through a different agency are visiting Ethiopia next week to visit their children and have kindly agreed to take a letter and these gifts to Desta.

Now we arrive at main point number two of this post: Abbat's Dad Knows.

I got a phone call this evening, while Abbat was still at work (late), from my mother-in-law, who informed me that she told my father-in-law yesterday morning. I have been after Abbat for months and months to tell his dad, and I finally told him, after his parents visited this weekend, that if he didn't tell his Dad by the end of the week, I was going to. Apparently my father-in-law had been told already that there were some unspecified health issues with Desta, and last week he made the comment to my mother-in-law that "She probably has AIDS or something." My mother-in-law kind of brushed him off, but when he specifically asked her on Tuesday morning what the issue was, she told him flat out. According to my mother-in-law, it went better than she expected. Although he did assure her that HIV would spread throughout the entire family, there was no screaming, yelling, kicking, or throwing things. Abbat's mom gave his dad a copy of the letter that Abbat's sister wrote to the doctor on The Body website (linked in the previous post) and the doctor's response. After reading the entire thing, my father-in-law announced that the doctor didn't know what he was talking about. (Still, there was no screaming, yelling, kicking, or throwing things.) My mother-in-law encouraged my father-in-law to check out what other doctors on the web have to say about HIV.

Not to paint only Abbat's dad in a bad light, my father finally, for the very first time, brought up the issue of us adopting Desta to me. The short version is, adopting Desta is probably going to mess up Ramona for life, and he is extremely concerned that I, Ramona, or Efram (finally, Efram!) will get HIV. (Apparently he is not worried about Abbat.) I assured my dad that we had done our homework and that the risks of passing HIV within the family are miniscule. My dad told me that I probably know more about it than he does but that he remains unconvinced. At least he didn't yell or hang up on me. I didn't get the chance to ask him whether he would be willing to be around Desta when she gets here because the kids woke up from their naps while I was on the phone with my Dad.

Speaking of the kids, one issue I have been wondering about lately is whether they have picked up on the fact that people are scared of HIV. We have made no secret of the fact that Desta has HIV, and we have explained to them that HIV is germs in your body (which is our standard explanation for illness) and that we don't ever touch another person's blood. They have heard us discussing various aspects of this adoption and people's concerns about it, but we have tried not to talk in front of them about the fact that some people are NOT going to be ok with their sister having HIV. It's hard to know what a three year old's and a four year old's understandings are. Ramona asks questions about absolutely everything, but she has asked no questions about HIV, so I don't know what she's thinking. Efram, well, he doesn't really pay attention to anything, so he's probably rather oblivious. I did explain to Ramona, during a recent trip to the store to check out water filter systems, that Desta will need to drink filtered water because of the HIV germs in her body. Ramona's reaction was that she doesn't want to drink filtered water and wants the water filter to be in the upstairs bathroom, where she doesn't have to see it. This is the same kid who refused, for three months, to bathe downstairs because we had used a "drain snake" in the downstairs sink to clear a clog, so I'm not too concerned about the whole water filter issue. I'm just not certain how to broach the subject of "your sister has an as-yet incurable disease that could potentially spread to others and will possibly kill her" with Ramona.

Check back,
Enat

The Interpretation

2006-02-20T21:16:00.000-05:00

I thought the first thing I would do is expand a little bit on what Enat posted about having been able to apply for the visa-waiver early. She gave you the basics, which are: apparently we could have filed for her visa, and started the appeal process months ago, thereby already having it finished when the adoption was final. Had we done that, my daughter would be upstairs in her bedroom sound asleep in her new home by now.

The idea of doing this wasn't a new one. Enat and I discussed it as a "what if" back in August or September, but nothing ever became of it and we just followed the direction given to us by our agency. Last Friday Enat spoke with a woman who is adopting an HIV+ child through the agency we used for Efram. This woman told Enat that her visa appeal paperwork was already complete, even though her child did not yet even have a court date scheduled. Apparently an agency called Chances By Choice, which specializes in the adoption of HIV+ children from all-over the world, was helping this woman with her visa paperwork; and since they were very well versed in the workings of Citizenship and Immigration they were able to get these sorts of things speeded throughout the Illinois CIS office.

Enat was up half the night in tears over it. It really hit home to her that had she known about this sooner she could have been in Ethiopia at that very moment.

The worst of it, however, was yet to come. Enat spoke with Chances By Choice, and came to find that they have been in close contact with our agency regarding some other adoptions, and THEY HAVE SPOKEN AT LENGTH ABOUT THIS VERY SUBJECT with the woman handling our adoption. Yet nobody at our agency ever thought this was information we might be interested in. Prior to this adoption, we had never heard anything but great things about this agency, but I must say that they have seemed to be completely lost with our adoption. I understand that they don't have much experience with HIV+ adoptions, but that is no excuse for the constant mis-communication, lack of foresight, and passing of the buck when it comes to finding out how this process works. We're paying them to do this adoption, yet they seem unwilling to do the work required to see that it is done efficiently. I'm still astounded that they expected us to spend several thousand dollars and a week's worth of time to travel to Addis Ababa in order to attend a 20 minute visa interview that was going to end in a denial. It took Enat a few phone calls and some emails to find out that this was unnecessary, yet they would rather just tell us to go to Africa than do any inquiring. They have shown a complete lack of interest in doing anything other than what is most convenient for them.

Readers of this blog will be well aware that we were unhappy with Desta's accommodations when they moved her to the "regular" orphanage, but we've recently discovered several disturbing bits of information about her stay there that have sent our dissatisfaction to a new level. There is another HIV+ child there who is in the process of being adopted, and after talking with this child's mother Enat came to find that the staff is not at all happy about the HIV+ children being there, and actually avoided touching these children whenever possible. This woman's daughter had a skin rash that the staff refused to treat because they didn't want to touch this child, and as a result she was walking around with open sores. Additionally we've been informed that there may have been some victimization. It's a very sensitive subject, and I'm not going to get into the details of it, but we are more and more upset that she was ever moved from her home and the people who loved her.

We've also come to find that because of the timing of her move back to AHOPE, she was not eligible to be enrolled in the current semester of school. Sooo she gets to just hang around the house all day. The children there go to school on a staggered schedule. Some go in the morning, and some go in the afternoon, so it's not like she is sitting there all alone with just the staff, but still... We asked if it would be possible for her to attend the private school that the agency runs, you know the one they moved her to attend, and they have agreed to take her there by taxi every day. I'm very surprised and pleased that they have decided to do this, but with the speed of getting things done in Ethiopia, she may be ready to come home by the time they get her going.

There has been a lot of interest in the situation with my sister, and I'm glad to say that I think she is coming around. My mother sent Enat and I a link one day to a medical Dear Abby style website. My sister wrote a letter to the doctor, explaining the situation and mentioning her fears. It was kind of funny, knowing my sister, I could completely picture her saying the things her letter said. Anyhow, the doctor basically told her that her children were at remote risk at worst, and that they're lives stood to be enhanced greatly by knowing Desta. Here is the link for anyone interested in reading about it.

My parents were in town this past weekend for the kids' birthday party. We now have a 4 year old and a 3 year old. As Efram said to my grandmother, "I woke up and I was 3 now." My father has not been informed of Desta's condition yet, but I'm pretty sure he knows what is going on. It's not really anything that I can explain other than to say that I've known my dad for 30 years, and I know that he has the type of memory that wouldn't have forgotten that the picture of Enat and I with Desta framed in our house is one of "that HIV girl" that we visited when we were in Ethiopia.

I'm nearing the end of my allotted procrastination time with this, so I'll have to get on the phone with him sometime this week or next. I'll update the situation as it unfolds.

Right now, it looks as if Desta will be coming home sometime in April. We've been busy getting her room ready, and finding contacts for friends. She already has a Girlscout troop. Enat was referred to them by a co-worker of mine, and she went to a meeting last week. The parents were not only supportive, but enthusiastic. The girls are very excited to meet Desta. They even made valentines to send to her which we will have delivered to her by some friends of ours who are traveling to Ethiopia this month.

Enat has also started a group for families in SW Ohio with Ethiopian children. Through this she has already found a family with two Ethiopian girls right around Desta's age who live about 5 miles from Enat's father. Things are falling in place, and I'm getting excited. The Healthcare situation seems to have worked out ok. She's already been enrolled on our policy, and we even have her healthcare card.

More to come,
Abbat

@#!$%&**$%#@#%*&%&&#$@!!!!!!!

2006-02-11T10:22:00.000-05:00

Hey, guess what I found out last night? I could have submitted the visa waiver appeal before we ever went to court. It could have been approved already and I could have left on Thursday (when all the other families whose kids had court dates when Desta did) to bring Desta home. When we went to the Embassy appointment for the visa, I could have handed them the approved appeal and she would have been granted her visa. I was even in contact with the people who had this information, but somehow it never got passed on to me. So now Desta is still sitting in Ethiopia, and there's ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for it.

Nice, huh?

Yeah. Real frickin' nice.

Sheeees OURRRRRS!!!!

2006-01-22T14:00:00.000-05:00

As of January 16, 2006, Desta is legally and officially our daughter. Her case went to court that morning, and the adoption was approved by the Ethiopian court. It didn't look good for a while, I must tell you. Up until the Friday before we were on the verge of having to cancel the court date, and it actually crossed my mind that we were going to end up having to cancel the whole adoption.

When I wrote a few weeks ago, I talked about the fact that my company was changing insurance carriers. Well, we set out to make sure that the new carrier was going to cover Desta with no pre-existing condition clauses. We were told that as long as she was enrolled within 31 days of placement there would be no pre-existing clauses, and she would be covered in full. Since in Adoption placement is generally defined as a child entering the home in preparation of the adoption, Enat called Anthem, the new carrier, to make sure that things were going to work the same way that they were with United. When we enrolled Efram in UHC's coverage, it was long past 31 days after the adoption, but we were able to get around that because Efram ALSO had to be a resident of the United States to be covered. Enat was told that according to Anthem's polices a child must be enrolled within 31 days of finalization of adoption or placement, whichever comes first in order to not be considered a late enroller. When Enat told them that this would not be possible because it would be several months before we got the the adoption finalization papers she was told, "Sorry, then she won't be covered for a year." When Enat told her that this essentially was going to kill our adoption the woman at Anthem actually started to cry.

For the next week I swear there must have been a bowling ball sitting in my chest. Enat spent the better part of a week on the phone trying to work it out. I felt horrible for her, because she never got the same answer to a question twice, and she was told extremely contradictory information more than once. Finally my company's insurance broker told us that he was able to get Anthem to agree to accept a faxed (and therefore unofficial) copy of the court record in order to enroll Desta. So we are crossing our fingers that this document will arrive in time so that we can enroll her in our plan. If we can't.... we're royally screwed, and will have to try and find a different way to get insurance. Something has to be wrong here, how can Anthem do this? With all the adoptions happening in Ethiopia these days, we can't be the only ones with Anthem insurance. What are the other families doing? I mean this has nothing to do with the fact that she has HIV, but is very much complicated by it because there is no way that we can afford the tens of thousands of dollars in medication she is going to require this year.

If anyone else out there who has adopted from Ethiopia has Anthem insurance, please let us know how you handled this problem.

Fortunately we have a friend who is in the process of adopting from Ethiopia right now, AND is a Benefits Attorney. If they deny the enrollment we are going to do everything we can to fight it. Adopted children must have all the same rights as children born to us. To deny her coverage because their policies conflict with the Ethiopian adoption process would be an outrage.

The other thing is that if she is denied coverage then we won't be able to get her visa. Essentially she will be stuck in Ethiopia until we are able to attain coverage for her.

*rant time* Isn't our lack of National Healthcare wonderful? How can we be the only industrialized nation not intelligent enough to care for it's people? What I really don't understand is how something such as National Healthcare, which would save corporations millions upon millions of dollars every year, hasn't been enacted by our excessively pro-business government.

I've heard all about how horrible it is for Canadians with their inferior healthcare system... only it seems to me that it's only ever priveleged white Americans telling me this. None of my Canadian freinds have ever seemed to have a problem with it. In fact they think our antiquated private insurer method is ludicrous.
*rant over*

On the family front, my older sister freaked out when we told her that Desta is HIV+. We didn't really expect too much less. She is the sister who has always seen herself as the main character in her own Lifetime made for T.V. movie. Everything always has to be over-dramatized. We know that we can't force people to be rational. All we can do is give them the information and let them make if it what they may. She says she is not going to let her kids play with Desta, and certainly isn't going to share a bathroom with her at the family cabin. If she is naive enough to think that the chefs preparing and serving her food in restaraunts, the people who use the public restrooms she goes to, heck for that matter the nurses taking care of her at the hospital are all HIV negative then there isn't much I can do for her.

She says that all she knows is what she learned in college. Well if she thinks that she is going to get HIV by sharing a bathroom with my daughter, then she either didn't pay much attention in college, or she learned from someone who had no idea what they were talking about.

Enat spent 5 years as a counselor at a camp for children with HIV, and almost 2 years as a social worker working with HV+ clients. If she would rather believe some old college professor than someone who worked in the field and knows what she is talking about, then there isn't much we can do for her.

Unfortunately I think this is small potatos compaired to what is going to happen when we tell my father.

more to come,
Abbat.

Life in the Circus

2005-12-22T11:12:00.000-05:00

Enat here. Things are rapidly going from ridiculous to ludicrous. I am way past furious and on to super-cali-fragicalistic-expi-allidcious-ready-to-go-postal.

I don't even know where to start. Is it that every time I ask the agency for information on getting this visa appeal paperwork together, they direct me to other adoptive parents rather than giving me the information themselves?

Is it that I just found out yesterday that Abbat or I is expected to go to Ethiopia to file Desta's visa petition in person, even though we all know that the outcome of that petition will be a big fat NO, we will NOT let your HIV+ daughter into our precious country without a fight?

Is it residual fury from the whole medication fiasco (rounds one AND two)?

It's probably the synergistic effect of all of this PLUS the fact that, when we were adopting Efram, all we heard on the adoption boards was how much our agency sucked and how much better this agency that we are currently using to adopt Desta was, and now that we are actually doing this, we're experiencing a major let-down.

My personal opinion is that this agency, which is just starting to place HIV+ kids (Desta is the third), just doesn't know what this whole thing entails. I think maybe they didn't think it through well enough and just assumed it would be like any other placement. NOT true. I feel like I have had to educate this agency on what an HIV+ kid needs, and I feel like this agency has not done a great job of helping us know ahead of time what the steps of the process would be.

The latest kick in the teeth is, when I asked the agency if there was any way this could be done without us having to travel to Addis Ababa simply to hand a clerk some paperwork and then turn around and come home WITHOUT our daughter, I was told (get this): Call Citizenship and Immigration and find out. Then let us know. Um, excuse me? Hello? Aren't we paying YOU to do this adoption?

Oh, and the people at the agency we will need to communicate with about this will be out of the office for ELEVEN days for the holidays.

Check back. It's just possible that we will survive this and will actually be able to bring our daughter home. And you'll be the first to know.

The Ride Goes On

2005-12-20T22:58:00.000-05:00

The BIG news from the process standpoint is that Desta's paperwork will be submitted this week to the court, and we will receive a court date. Because Ethiopia is an Orthodox country their Christmas is January 6th, so we expect that our date will be sometime after that. Hurrah!

We received word today that she moved back to AHOPE on Wednesday and has started the medication. We don't know yet what she is taking, but I feel much more relaxed about the whole situation now that it's done. We still worry that the stress of moving, being adopted, missing Enat, and all of that is overwhelming her... It's even caused me to wonder from time to time if we are doing the best thing for her by adopting her. I truly feel that she was meant to be my daughter, and I love her dearly; but I worry that we're causing her too much stress which is affecting her immune system. Hopefully she will get settled back into a routine, the meds will kick in, and her health will improve quickly.

We received an envelope in the mail last week which contained a letter from Desta and two cards that she had made from construction paper, crayons, and stickers. We don't know if she wrote the letter herself, or if she told someone else what to write. The gist of the letter is that she was lonely after Enat left, but that she is doing better now. She wanted to know what her school is called, and wanted us to send her pictures of her school... This actually led to a disagreement by Enat and I on what to tell her. Enat wanted to tell her that one of the things we are considering is home-schooling, and I think it's best to just tell her we don't know where she will be going for school yet. She will be 12.5 years old when she gets here, and is currently in 2nd grade... If we were going to send her to school, there is no way we could just drop her in a Junior high and expect her to do anything but be completely frustrated. 12-13 year olds in the United States are at such a completely different level than Ethiopian children when it comes to social maturity (read as sex), and in Enat's words, "They would eat her alive." Adolescents prey on the outsiders, and we fear she would be picked on mercilessly. It's not just the social aspect though, because we are considering home-schooling all of our children. I don't know that the concept of home-schooling is one that would make the translation. I fear that she will read it as, "They won't let me go to school", and it will just be another thing to cause her stress. When she gets here we can talk about it, but I really don't think roughly translated letters are the way to broach the subject.

Now that things are all getting settled on the foreign side of things, it's time for things to get all screwed up on the home-front. My company has decided to change our medical insurance carrier. Essentially all the work we went through to get our letter is now worthless, AND we don't even know yet what the policies of the new company will be with regards to pre-existing conditions for adopted children. Soo... it's possible that they won't cover her for the first year or some such bullshit. I have no idea what we're going to do if that is the case. Now that she is on medication there will be no way we can afford it out of pocket, our savings would be gone in a couple of months. I love my job, but I love my daughter more, if this gets in the way I might be forced to look elsewhere. We are going to get the contact information for the new carrier tomorrow so that we can get all of our information straight. Hopefully this all works out OK... we've been told we're getting a higher level of coverage for a lower monthly rate. The only downside from a non-adoption, non-HIV standpoint is that the best hospital in town won't be considered in network anymore... which is essentially the reason it will be cheaper.

Knowing what the company pays every month for our benefits, I completely understand the move; but it really comes at an awkward time for us. I felt really odd filling out the paperwork and marking NO next to the question asking if anyone we are signing up for our policy is HIV+. I felt somewhat dishonest... but what could I do there was no question asking if we would ever add someone to our policy who is HIV+, and Desta is not eligible for coverage until she starts residing in the US.

I hope that everyone has an enjoyable holiday. We do celebrate Christmas since our families are Christian, and quite honestly, living in the Mid-West, we aren't going to get away from it. Each of our kids gets one gift from me, one gift from Enat, and one gift from Santa. Although Ramona has already told us she doesn't think he is real because, "reindeer can't fly. They don't have wings." She told us he is just a story. She has her mother's practicality. We've neither confirmed nor denied her claims, and I speak of him as if he exists, but we don't focus on him very much. Efram still doesn't quite get it all yet. When we asked him what Santa was going to leave him in his stocking he said, " Um... a quesadilla!"

Also, a BIG thank you to the people who have made purchases from our store (found here). We REALLY appreciate it.

More To Come,
Abbat

The Update

2005-12-13T23:00:00.000-05:00

I'd like to make a breif post just to give everyone an update on the situation.

We recieved all of Desta's medical information yesterday and, well, to be frank, it scared the hell out of me. I'm not going to get into specifics on her numbers, but they have drastically declined since the March results. Her CD4 number is down approximately 75% from previous. The meds are an absolute immediate need, and we gave a full blessing to put her on them as soon as possible. As of yet she has not made the move or started the meds, but we have requested that we be notified as soon as this happens.

She will get better, and she is still in fine physical condition otherwise. The meds will kick in and her numbers will go up, but she will be taking the meds for the rest of her life, or at least until such time as medical advancement finds a better solution.

Having antiretrovirals in Ethiopia is a brand new thing, and I am unspeakable greatful that they have made it there in time. As freaked out as I've been, and as down as I have gotten... I'm making sure that I don't lose sight of just how lucky we are.

I'd like to take a minute to thank everyone who has supported us this week. Your emails and comments have meant a lot. Thank you.

More To Come,
Abbat

That Tight-Chested Feeling

2005-12-06T16:38:00.000-05:00

I have walked around all day feeling like I was punched in the chest. Yesterday, when I was talking to the (very sympathetic) nurse at our pediatrician's office, I realized that I was talking incoherently and a mile a minute and I thought, "I'm actually panicking." I don't think I had ever actually panicked before. This is the first time that, as a mother, I have felt that one of my kids' very lives was threatened.

As a professional who has worked in the field of HIV/AIDS (case manager), I know that I should be on my hands and knees thanking karma, my lucky stars, god, or any of the other cosmic forces that have led my daughter to antiretroviral medication. Regardless of the unpleasant side effects, ARVs have brought people back from the very edge of the chasm of death, and countless HIV+ people are living longer, healthier lives than ever before thanks to that mixed blessing we know as modern medicine.

As a mother, I am devastated. I'm in despair. Medication is the end of the road. Up until this point, Desta was beating HIV. She had lived nearly 12 years cheating HIV of its goal of breaking her body down. Now, HIV has the upper hand. Things will never be the same. From here on out, we will be in an all-out war against HIV, and Desta's body will be a casuality, win or lose.

I can hardly comprehend it all. I never expected to be hit so hard by the news that medication is necessary, whether that news came while Desta was in Ethiopia or after she came to us. But I honestly didn't expect that we'd be facing this until she was home with us, and it's both terrifying to think of all this happening half a world away, when information is slow in coming and sometimes contradictory, and extraordinarily sad that all this is happening when we can't be with our little girl. I wonder what she knows, what she understands, what she's thinking and feeling. I wonder whether she's scared?

I feel out of breath, unfocused, and terribly, terribly angry. I feel like the world has gone on spinning but I have stepped off and am watching everything and everyone else go skittering away, leaving me standing in nothingness.

Fear and Loving in Ethiopia

2005-12-05T21:58:00.000-05:00

I'm supposed to be working, but there is just too much on my mind right now to be concepting logos. The roller coaster that is international adoption just made another sudden drop.

Once again things seemed to be looking up. Desta's living situation had reached an acceptable solution, a 6-month supply of antibiotics was purchased for her, and all of her paper work is ready for court. We are still expecting the email any day now telling us that she has a court date.

Then today we received an email stating that after reviewing Desta's most recent bloodwork her doctors have decided to start her on antiretrovirals.

For those of you not well versed in HIV medicine, let me tell you that this is not a happy prospect. Yes antiretrovirals are a wonderful thing, and allow HIV positive people to live much longer and more active lives; but they are also extremely toxic to the body and psychologically draining. To me, it is an all too blunt reminder of what's in store for my little girl. I always knew that this day would come, but I just thought that we'd be there for her when it did. We were told that she will be moving back to AHOPE tomorrow to begin her medication. We have not been given the lab results, and we have not been told what the medication regimen will be.

This is what troubles us the most. We immediately called our Pediatrician and the Pediatric HIV Specialist that Desta will see once she arrives. We were told to do whatever we can to stop them from starting the regimen until our doctors get a chance to look at the information. The main problem is that once she starts the meds, that's it, she's on them for life; and changing the regimen is extremely difficult. We don't want to undermine the expertise of the Ethiopian doctors, but we have no idea who they are, and what the basis for starting her on the meds is. Has this doctor taken in to account that she will be moving to the United States where she will have better access to healthcare? Is this decision based on a declining trend in her health, or was this a reaction to this most recent test? What are the meds she will be given? We just need to know this information before we are comfortable with them making such a life determaning decision for her.

We're on extremely delicate ground here. To the Ethiopians are we just two rich white people who are going to tell them not to give a poor HIV+ girl medications that they view as a savior to their people. Additionally we don't have any legal right to say what happens with her medical care. We've gotten what we were able to for her so far be being persistant and more persistant; but this time their going to move her for treatment in just a few hours.

Enat is furious! When they initially talked to us about moving her out of AHOPE, Enat's major concern was what would happen if Desta got sick. She specifically asked if they would be capable of caring for her at the new facility. She was told that we would cross that bridge when we came to it. Well, now that we're at it the solution is to return her to AHOPE for a refund minus the restocking fee. Don't get us wrong, we're delighted that she will get to move back with her friends, but if they weren't going to be able to care for her why put her through the trauma of the move in the first place. Who knows how much the stress of the situation she is in has affected her health.

**********************************
**** BREAKING NEWS!!!!!! *********
**********************************

As I was typing this, we received an email from the director of the agency in response to our plea. She is at the moment in Addis Ababa where it is 7:00 AM on the day of the move. She says that she will work to get us a copy of the lab reports and has no problem delaying the medication if that is our wish.

*sigh*

And I'm supposed to be able to work?

Well, at least whatever happens will be done with all the consideration a life-altering decision like this warrants.

This post seems to be very much like my emotional state tonight: jumping from worried to angry to distraugt to relieved, with a big anvil of fear teetering on the shelf above me. Fear for her health, fear for how I'll handle it if she gets sick, and fear for how it will affect Efram & Ramona. More than anything else though, I'm feeling amazed by how much I truely love her.

More to come,
Abbat

Guilty Pleasures

2005-11-13T16:41:00.000-05:00

Last year as part of my bonus, my employer gave Enat and me a week at a timeshare in Florida. So last week we left the kids with my father-in-law, and took some much needed time alone together. The weather was perfect, the accomodations were wonderful, and we had a fabulous time. Meanwhile in Ethiopia...

Rioting over the election results has created a serious situation. More than 40 died and a couple of thousand people have been held by authorities. Friends of ours were scheduled to bring their daughter home from Addis yesterday, but the situation has prevented them from being able to travel. The rioting broke out in the middle of the move to the new orphanage. The children have been unable to leave the compound, and occasionally hear shots being fired outside. The children in Efram's old orphanage have been unable to get to school, although Desta's school is on the orphanage grounds. Things are said to be settling down a bit, but we're all still very nervous here. I also have to say that the coverage, or complete lack thereof, by the cable news networks has been abysmal. We don't have cable in our home, and usually get all of our news from NPR and the internet. While in Florida we didn't have a radio or internet access so we were forced to scour the cable news channels for information. There were a grand total of ZERO stories on the situation, and ZERO news briefs in the little ticker at the bottom of the screen. I was, however, able to watch at least 457 stories on the fact that Terell Owens and the Philadelphia Eagles aren't getting along.

As for Desta, well there has been a bit of a change in plan. The American and Ethiopian Directors of AHOPE got together with Desta to talk with her about where she is going to live. After talking it over Desta agreed to stay with the kids from the new orphanage on the condition that she is able to visit the AHOPE kids often.

Enat and I responded that this would be fine with us if it's what Desta wants, on one condition: Desta MUST receive the same daily antibiotics that the kids at AHOPE receive. (These antibiotics are to prevent PCP, a certain type of pneumonia that people with depressed immune systems are susceptible to.) Furthermore, we requested that we be expressly told IN WRITING that this would be the case. Otherwise we cannot accept this arrangement. We also mentioned our dissatisfaction with the fact that Enat visited a month and a half ago and this issue is still outstanding. For whatever reason nobody is grasping the fact that the ANTIBIOTICS are the issue. Every time the issue is brought up we're given some line about the accelerated English classes she is receiving at the new orphanage. We don't give a damn about English classes! SHE IS HIV+! Our ONLY CONCERN is her health. We've talked with our Pediatrician and an HIV/AIDS Specialist and both said that we absolutely need to continue with the antibiotics. Neither one of them asked whether she'll be able to use the appropriate pronouns.

Unfortunately our response wasn't received until shortly after the rioting broke out, and the rather curt response was that they would discuss it, but that they obviously had more important things going on at the moment. Interpretation: I can't believe you would bother us with something like this right now.

I mentioned last time that Efram had some minor surgery. It was nothing serious, he was missing 40% of his eardrum from a rupture that didn't heal correctly. The doctor applied a paper to use as a graft. When we went in for the surgery the nurses asked where he was from, and said that Efram's anesthesiologist was from Africa, but they couldn't remember where. We asked his name and they said Dr. SomethingVeryEthiopianSounding. When they told us his first name was Yohannes we said, "Yeah he's definitely Ethiopian." And it turns out he was. He had seen Efram's name on his schedule and thought that he must be Ethiopian too. He asked Efram in Amharic if his name was Efram, and Efram replied yes, but in English. Now we're not sure if he understood the question and was answering in English, or if his "yes" meant that the Amharic sounded familiar to him.

Anyhow, the doctor was very interested in Efram and Desta, and informed us that the Greek church no longer has the Ethiopian service. HOWEVER; he said that he would be happy to take us with his family to the Ethiopian Orthodox church that they attend in Cincinnati. He said that the Ethiopian community regularly gets together after service for picnics and such. They said they would be happy to act as intepereters for us when we need, and that they would welcome the opportunity to talk to Desta when she is having trouble adjusting. Although he mentioned that most of the children don't speak Amharic, we still think having Ethiopian friends and community could be an invaluable resource for us. On the way home from the hospital I couldn't help but smile at the idea that this all came about from the fact that Efram had an ear infection last summer. Karma never ceases to amaze me.

Ramona has started asking us several times a week when Desta will come home. We smile and say, "Hopefully soon honey.... hopefully soon"

More to Come,
Abbat

Letters and Numbers

2005-10-25T12:20:00.000-04:00

Two days ago I was thinking about what to write because there wasn't much going on with the adoption. Quite honestly it was somewhat out of my mind. There was soo much going on for so long that when all the sudden there was nothing happening I felt kind of removed from it... Then there was yesterday.

Enat called me at my office to let me know that a letter had just arrived via UPS from UHC and that our dog had tried to eat the UPS man. She opened the letter and it was in fact the letter that we needed stating explicitly that HIV IS COVERED! They also included a copy of our policy just in case we had any questions. It's amazing what can happen when you file an official consumer complaint with the government.

Elated, Enat wrote to the agency to let them know that we had the document. They responded enthusiatically and mentioned that next weekend the children of Desta's orphange will be moving to a new facility, and that the AHOPE children will be moving into the facility where Desta is living... AND... Desta will be staying behind to live with the friends and caregivers that she's lived with for the past five years and that she loves and is loved by so much!

For the first time in a while I was feeling overly optimistic that everything was going to come out smoothly, and that my daughter would be here sooner than I had hoped. We had heard that the court had in fact re-opened and that several children had completed their court dates. We knew that her name was not among them, but we were expectaint that it would be any time now... Then...

A second letter arrived, this one via the US postal service. It was from the agency letting us know that Desta's case has been delayed. While they were on summer hiatus the government instituted a new law. This law states that all Ethiopian children who are to be adopted must have a letter from their local government stating that this child is in fact an orphan who is eligible to be adopted. It's intent is to eliminate child trafficking, and we think it is a very good law, but we're dissapointed that it is going to delay our case. Desta has lived in an orphanage in Addis Ababa for five years, both of her parents are dead. Now the agency will have to contact the government in Hossana (who knows what that's like) and get a letter concerning a child who hasn't lived there in five years. That sound you just heard was my baloon popping.

So right now who knows what's going to happen...

Ok, for the past 2 weeks I've been listening to the fall pledge drive on our NPR station, so I'm kind of in the fund raising mood. So far we've been unsuccesful in our attempts to help fund this adoption through grants. We felt like we were in solid financial shape, but we've since run into one of those times you come across from time to time when everything goes wrong... you know $1500 to repair the car, $1000 insurance deductable on a surgical proceedure that Efram needed, Lawyer fees for his re-adoption, doubled utility costs, etc... So to try and make sure we are able to fund the adoption and have enough in reserve for medical costs we've opend up a Bringing Desta Home store on cafe press: www.cafepress.com/destahome. Every cent we earn will go directly to adoption or medical expenses. Right now it's mostly items promoting the blog, but within the next day or so there will be more Ethiopia items, some holiday items, and some lower cost items. All items in the store come with eternal gratitude at no extra cost.

There is something rather uncomfortable about asking for money, but in the end it's all about Desta, not how I feel.

More To Come,
Abbat

North-Going Vs. South-Going Zax

2005-10-05T21:28:00.000-04:00

Those not familiar with it may wish to read the Dr. Seuss story "The Zax" at this link. Don't worry... I'll wait for you.

Done already? Ok well anyone who has had to deal with either healthcare companies or the government can I'm sure empathize with that beating your head against the wall feeling. Now just imagine for a moment that you have to deal with both of them... and not just deal with both of them, but get them to work together. "No! No! No!" you say, "that can't be done." Well, you're probably right, and there in lies our current dilemma.

I can't recall if I mentioned that we are now in contact with some other families who have successfully adopted HIV+ children from Ethiopia. Enat asked some questions about the process for the adoption and visa denial/appeal. She was told that they were not ever asked anything about the mysterious "compelling reason", but that their visa appeal process was haulted completely until they could aquire a document from their healthcare company stating specifically that "This child will be completely covered for HIV." We tried to get this document already, and were told no by the insurance company. We figured, OK, we just haven't talked to anyone high up enough to get such a letter yet; but we were confident that we could. Silly us, we forgot that we were dealing with United Healthcare.

When Enat heard how not having this document from the outset could add weeks/months to the process, she stepped up her efforts and spent hours upon hours on the phone with UHC. She was told that in no way shape or form would they be giving us a letter stating that a specific disease was covered even though they assured us verbally that Desta would be completly covered. Their basis for the denial was that it would be considered an adendum to our coverage policy and they cannot do that for fear that it could be used against them should they deny a related claim for any of their myriad absurd reasons. A woman that Enat spoke with there actually suggested we just tell the US State department that because of UHC's policies they can't give us that document, and couldn't our daughter please just come into the country anyway. Yeah... Thats right THE UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF STATE is going say, "Ahhh... what the hell lets let her in anyway, look at those big brown eyes, how can we resist."

As of yet we do not have the document that we need, but we've placed as many wheels in motion as we can. We've contacted the Ohio Department of Insurance and filed an official consumer complaint, and we've contacted my companies insurance broker directly about the matter. I'll update the situation when we know more.

The kids and I are delighted to have Enat home again. We missed her more than I can say. She did return bearing some of the greatest gifts I've ever received: photos and video of my angel. It's funny that a few minutes of video and some snapshots can make me feel like I know her so much better than I did, but they did bring to life her personality in a way that people telling us about her never could. It was a very emotional week for everyone involved. Practically the first words out of Enat's mouth when we picked her up were, "Guess who's going back to bring her home... YOU!" The trip was very rough on her, but in the end we're glad that she did it.

We've requested that Desta be moved back to AHOPE, but they are hesitent to do so because of how the other kids at AHOPE will feel about Desta's comings and goings for court/visa issues. None of them are being adopted and it would no doubt be hard for them to take. We have requested that at the very least she be given all the same medical care that the kids at AHOPE receive, otherwise we will have to insist that she be moved regardless, because her health is the most important thing.

Ramona is in heavan these days because our Sangha was recently assigned a resident lama. She has such an affinity for monks; it's really quite astounding. She is normally the most shy little girl, but as soon as she sees a monk she goes running for them. She also could not understand why there were no monks at the llama farm that we drove past last week, but that's a sotry for another day. Enat has taken on the task of being the "Lama Momma." Since we live only a few blocks away from the temple she is in charge of caring for the resident lama and any visiting ones as well. So here is a woman walking through Kroger yesterday with a caucasian child, an African child, and a Tibeten monk. Even thinking about it now makes me kind of chuckle.

Anyhow, that's all I have today, but I'd like to leave you with one of Eant's wonderful gifts:

More To Come,
Abbat

And Now Back to Your Regularly Scheduled Blogger ...

2005-09-25T09:06:00.000-04:00

... almost. I just have a few more things to say.

The first is that, as hard as the trip (and saying goodbye) were, I'm very glad I went. I think it will be helpful to Desta to know me a little better when she comes, and I have some good insights into her life right now and her background that I might not have had otherwise.

The second is that, before I left, I thought of Desta as "my HIV+ daughter." I wondered whether I would be constantly thinking of the fact that Desta has HIV. In truth, I hardly gave it a thought while I was with her. I didn't think about it much while visiting AHOPE, taking the kids swimming, eating dinner, walking about town. Desta is not "my HIV+ daughter," she's just my daughter. I guess I should have known that. Efram is not "my adopted Ethiopian son." He's just my son.

I'm glad I had the opportunity to contribute to the blog. Thanks for reading, and check back.

Enat

Ps. The kids at AHOPE all called me "Desta Muzzer."

Saying Goodbye

2005-09-23T18:10:00.000-04:00

I am sitting at Bole International Airport, on my
$5-per-hour internet connection, waiting for another 3
hours until my flight home. 24 hours until I get home,
plus these four hours at the airport, plus the 12
hours I have already been awake, plus the emotion of
leaving my little girl at an orphanage that she
doesn't like. Good times, as Abbat would say.

We spent the day at AHOPE. Finally, today, the
children were comfortable with me and we had a lot of
fun. We shot hoops and wrote in English and Amharic on
the blackboard and sang songs. I had very spicy lentil
wat for lunch and discovered only when it was too late
that I had forotten to bring water. They brought out
this enormous basket of green beans and, against all
the protestations of the foster moms, I helped snap
them. One woman who speaks some English asked me, "You
have these in your country?" I said that, oh yes, we
have green beans and that I grow them in my garden, as
a matter of fact. She seemed very surprised that I had
a garden. Don't we, she asked, buy all of our food at
a "supra market"? I assured her that we do, but that
some people also have gardens. She pondered this for a
while and finally ventured to ask, "You ... cook?" Oh
yes, I said, I cook every day. At this she looked
positively astonished and said, "Not your servant?"
Really, I am tring hard not to laugh at this point
because, to this woman, I am rich beyond her wildest
dreams. We have already calculated out that my airfare
to Ethiopia is more than 10,000 birr. The people that
I know in Ethiopia make 350 birr per month. FOUR YEARS
of salary for them to afford my ticket. I tried to
explain that we don't have that much money, that we
have to take loans to afford the adoption, but she
seemed unconvinced. I tell her that I have no servant.
Just me. She ponders this for a while and says, "There
are Ethiopians in your country?" Yes, I tell her. She
smiles at me, pats my hand, and says, "You hire
Ethiopian woman servant." Problem solved.

At 4:30 the driver and I took Desta back to the guest
house to collect her things. In our room, I hugged her
tight. "I love you," I told her. "Abbat loves you. We
WILL come back for you." "Esh," she said, "ok," with
tears streaming down her face. Tears streaming down my
face. Every day she has asked me when I will come
back. I don't know. We haven't even had a court date
yet. The American Embassy will deny her visa, we will
have to appeal. The could very possibly deny our
appeal. Then what? I have told this girl that she has
a family, that she has a mother, a father, a sister, a
brother, that she will come to live in America. In
America, she will survive. She has given her prized
possesions, her plastic bangle bracelets, to me to
give to her brother and sister. She's already waiting
for us to come back. What if we can't get her visa?
What if we can't come back?

Suddenly this whole trip seems like a mistake.

When we arrive at the orphanage, kids come streaming
to the car and stand, gaping at me. I know a lot of
parents spend a lot of time at the orphanage, playing
with and getting to know the kids. Desta didn't want
to be there. She wanted to be at AHOPE, so these kids
don't know me. I am just some Farenji who showed up,
whisked Desta away, and suddenly reappeared. A few
kids talk to me. One asks me to send a letter to her
parents. One asks me when her parents will come. Many
ask me my name. Then a boy points to my necklace and
says, in very good English, "Are you Jewish?" Nope, I
say. "Protestant?" asks another girl. Nope again. Then
the first boy says, "Buddhism!" It sounds like he's
saying, "Cockroaches!" I nod. "In China," he says. If
only he knew, but yes, I nod. He looks at me with
utter contempt, shakes his head, and wags his finger
at me in a "no-no" gesture. He clucks his tongue.
Clearly he does not approve. I smile lamely.

Desta has gone to her bedroom to show her friends the
things I have given her. I follow her and point to my
wrist. It's time for me to leave. I take her hand and
lead her to the driver, who tells her for me, once
again, as I have told her every day, that I love her.
Daddy loves her. We WILL come back for her. The drrver
tells her in Amharic. I tell her in English. The kids
repeat my words. I give her a hug and we are both
shaking with tears. I can hardly walk to the car I am
crying so hard. I look out the window and Desta is
surrounded by her friends, who are hugging and kissing
her as she continues to cry. I wave and blow kisses.
She cries. The finger-wagging boy jerks the window
open and shouts, "God help you!" The car pulls away.
The driver says, "It is hard." He has no idea.

Back at the guest house I collapse, sobbing, on the
couch of the Australian women who are there picking up
a baby. We talk for a while and I begin to feel better
until two thoughts occur to me: 1) I am sitting on
their couch, feeling better, drinking a Sprite and
eating spaghetti, knowing I am going home to my
family. Desta is waiting, with no end in sight, in an
orphanage that is not her home. 2) I see in my mind's
eye the kids at the orphanage surrounding Desta,
taunting her in Austrailian-accented English, "Your
Mum's a Buddhist! Your Mum's a Buddhist!"

Check back.

Close Enounters of the Swimming Pool Holy Water Kind

2005-09-23T07:03:00.000-04:00

Yesterday a van showed up with four little girls from
AHOPE, all ready to go swimming ... without swimsuits,
towels, or any knowlege of how to swim. We went to the
Ghion Hotel pool because, even though things are
relatively cheap in Ethiopia, I couldn't afford $72 to
take them all swimming. The Ghion was $12. Yes, there
was at least $60 difference between the Sheraton Pool
and the Ghion Pool. Fortunately or not, there were
only five swimsuits sent by the director of our
adoption agency, so I distributed them among the girls
and was unable to swim myself.

It took about 45 minutes to get the girls changed into
suits and into the pool. Lots of giggling, lots of
screaming, lots of modesty. None of them wanted to
walk from the changing room to the pool without a
towel around them. I made five trips to bring them to
the pool, where some Ethiopians took pity on me and
coaxed them into the pool. Remember, I cannot talk to
these girls.

While the girls swam (two hours, after they finally
got in!) I chatted with an English-speaking guard
named Betele. He really wants to come to America. He
says his brain is limited in Ethiopia and he wants to
come to America because he has a good brain and he
knows he can get a good job. He wants independence
that he won't have in Ethiopia. He says that in
Ethiopia, his future is bad. He's 20 years old. It's
very sad.

He noticed my Buddha necklace and chatted with me
about Buddhism. He was surprisingly knowledgeable
about Buddhism. He asked good questions. He asked me
if I was happy being Buddhist, and he told me that he
is happy with Jesus Christ. He then began trying to
convert me. He was ready, right there on the spot, to
use non-chlorinated pool water to baptize me!! I
assured him that I was very happy being Buddhist.

The day before I leave to come home, they finally fix
the tv and Desta and I watched Spiderman 2 while we
ate dinner.

Today I leave. I will take Desta to the orphanage at
4:30, and my driver will come at 8. My flight is at
11:55 pm.

Check back!

More From Ethiopia

2005-09-22T08:39:00.000-04:00

You do a lot of waiting in Ethiopia. You wait for the
phones to work, you wait for the lights to come back
on, you wait for the internt to speed up, you wait for
the taxis to come. No one seems to know quite what's
going on, and no one seems to care much! At least
that's my perspective, not being able to understand
the language and all. The people here are very
relaxed. They seem to have all day. Slowly I am
staring to hear one word and then another jump out at
me when people speak Amharic around me.

Today we are going swimming. I wanted to go to the
Sheraton, the fancy-shmancy place in Addis, but we are
going to the Ghion because it's more affordable and I
can take four of Desta's friends. It took about 2
hours to coordinate the trip. Lots of phone calls,
lots of misunderstandings. And things are a bit
chaotic at AHOPE right now because a child died last
night. It was not a child I knew, and it was not the
child waiting to come to America. Understandably,
everyone is very upset.

It's been a strange experience to be here and have
this kid given to me and told, "See you later!" I
haven't seen the coordinator since Monday morning.
Desta and I have been on our own. We can't talk to
each other well, we don't really know each other.
Still, Desta is very confident and doesn't seem
nervous. She is friendly and affectionate and it is
sincere. It's not a superficial, "what can I get from
you?" affection. I hope that being here with her will
make the transition easier when she arrives in
America. I had a friend of mine explain to her why she
can't come home with me now and when we will come back
to get her. She kept saying, "You come next month?" I
think she understands now.

Check back!

Day 2 in Ethiopia

2005-09-20T10:37:00.000-04:00

Today I fell into a sewage ditch (twice!), ate local food made with local water (an abdominal no-no for foreigners, they say), was proposed to by a young boy who yelled "I LAHVE YOO! MARRY MEEE!" (I politely delcined), was called a Farenji (foreigner) by a young man on top of a bus, and spent $30 on a pair of jeans and matching jacket, socks, sneakers, and a baby outfit for the daughter of a fellow guest at the guest house. Just another day in Ethiopia!

Desta is doing well. She wants to go to AHOPE to see her friends all the time. She seems to like me but also seems to think I am made of money (of course to her, I am). She is not greedy though, she just wants to by lots of things for her friends.

The kids at AHOPE had a conference and agreed that my Buddha necklace was "Maria." (Mary) I didn't have the guts to correct them with the whole Buddha/buda thing.

We are having fun together. We drew pictures for each other last night. And had fun shopping today. She loves the digital camera and has learned how to use it very quickly! She knows that I am leaving on Friday and keeps telling me, "Friday, you America. No me." It's going to be hard to leave her.

I got a taste on the way over here of what bringing het to America will feel like to her. I could hardly stand to leave my family and my familiar surroundings, and for me it is only a week! For her it will be a lifetime. These kids are very courageous.
Check back!

Today's the Day!

2005-09-17T08:21:00.000-04:00

Well, actually, tomorrow's the day. Except Desta thought that yesterday was the day. Anyway, today is Saturday, 17 September, and in about five hours I'm on my way to the aiport to leave for, well, for Washington, DC. But then, following a brief layover, I am on my way to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia! This is Enat, btw. Abbat has given me blogging privileges!

I got an email from the volunteer at the orphanage who has been so kind to Desta and who has sent us photos and updates on her. She had helped Desta make a calendar to count down the days until I got there. The volunteer was checking to make sure I was, indeed, coming on Friday. I immediately emailed her back to let her know that no, I was arriving on Sunday, but I never heard back from her. She left to come home yesterday, so I don't know whether she ever got my email. I hope Desta didn't spend all day yesterday waiting for me to show up!!

My plan is to do the same thing Abbat and I did last year: get off the plane, get our luggage, get some money, and go see the kid! I arrive in Addis at 7:30 pm (12:30 in the afternoon where we live) after just about 20 hours of travel. I know I will be exhausted, but I want to see Desta first thing! Last year it was easy because Efram was just a year old. We went to the orphanage, held him for a few minutes, cried a lot, and then he went to bed and we went to the hotel and crashed. I doubt it will be that simple with an 11-year-old, though. I don't really know what to expect!

I'm all packed up and loaded down. I have lots of letters and cameras to take to other kids at the orphanage from their parents. I have video of the kids and of Abbat to take to Desta. I have video of Efram to take to the foster moms at the orphanage where he lived, so that they can see how well he's doing and how much he's changed. I have 41 pounds of shoes to take to the kids at Desta's orphanage. I have a video camera that I have actually never used to take video of the kids at AHOPE for the American director to use in publicity and fundraising. Speaking of AHOPE, let me take this opportunity to do a brief PSA: The kids at AHOPE are now on HIV medication. The program is growing and they expect to be up to 80 kids by the end of the year. They are looking at providing long-term education and job training skills to the kids. They are looking at providing counseling to the kids to help them deal with the reality of living (not dying) with HIV. The program is shifting from a hospice program to a life-preparation program. They really need your support. Sponsoring a child at AHOPE is $30 a month. If you can't afford that, any amount of a one-time donation would be appreciated. If you can afford MORE than the $360-a-year sponsorship commitment, that would be wonderful. AHOPE is growing to to he point that they are going to need more financial support that just sponsors. They are going to need long-term commitments of large amounts of money and they are going to need to secure grants. Please take a look at www.ahopeforchildren.org and, if you are able to help out, please do. AHOPE has saved our daughter's life. And, if you feel moved to adopt a child, HIV+ or not, AHOPE can point you in the direction of suitable adoption services.

OK, PSA over.

I have been told that the guest house I am staying at has a painfully slow internet connection. There is also an internet cafe within walking distance. I hope to be able to update the blog while I am in Ethiopia. Check back!

Enat

Momma's on her way

2005-09-11T20:44:00.000-04:00

Right off, the BIG NEWS. Enat leaves Saturday for Ethiopia! She will be spending an entire week with Desta. We're really excited. She received her package from us, and told a volunteer that she wants to come and live with us and be our daughter. We're happier than you could possibly imagine. We've gotten a few photos recently, and I plan to post them when I get the chance.

Enat went shopping yesterday to buy some art supplies and a backpack for Desta. She is a very artistic little girl, and is coming to the right family in that regard. I have a degree in Fine Art, and work as a graphic designer/ all-around creative talent. I plan to draw a picture of her in the front of one of the sketchbooks that Enat is going to bring her. We asked what her favorite color is so that we could paint her room for her... unfortunately she said her favorite color is red... Not that red is an unfortunate favorite color, but it will be a bit tough to pull off as a wall color. Perhaps we'll go with red accents. :)

A family that we know is adopting a sibling group from Ethiopia, and one of the children is positive. They took all of the kids to the visa interview, and acted as if there was nothing unusual about the positive childs visa application. Their hope was that the visa would be approved and they could bring all of the children home with them. Unfortunately this did not work out. The positive child's visa was, as expected, denied. This poor family had to leave the positive child behind and bring the rest of the siblings home while they wait for the visa appeal. They did say however that this should be a matter of weeks not months as we had previously been told.

So, if we can get Desta's court date in before the end of the year, it's possible that she could be home by late winter or early spring.

On the home front we've been working hard to earn some extra money to help fund the adoption and the medical bills we can expect. That's one of the reasons the blog hasn't been updated as much as I'd like. I've been moonlighting with a good deal freelance work from an entrepreneurial friend. When I get home from work it seems like my choices are either spend the night working on stuff to earn money, or write the blog... unfortunately... money seems to win out in the end.

Ramona is very excited about Desta coming. She said to Desta in a letter that Desta was going to come and be her big sister, and read to her and draw pictures with her. I think she's got this grand vision of a world where your sibling doesn't "ruin" all of your games by... well... being a boy I guess. Efram and Ramona have been having a lot of battles over who was playing with the stuffed animal de jour first. They each have one stuffed animal that is their very own special stuffed animal that they don't ever have to share if they don't want to. Ramona however keeps trying to add every stuffed animal she likes to play with on to that list. "But Calhoon Puppydog is my most favorite special animal too!!!"

She's been doing a lot better lately now that we've gotten her a tape player of her own that she can listen to books on tape in anytime she wants. She'll walk around all day listening to stories. We've ben watching a few more shows on TV. Mostly we tape Reading Rainbow when there is a book the kids like on and let them watch that whenever they want. We also get DVD's of the Muppet Show out of the library from time to time. No sir, the Muppet show will never be topped. Timeless classic children's entertainment that Enat and I still enjoy watching... It was just that good of a show.

I'm sure I'll have sooo much to report when Enat gets to Ethiopia, but for now I think that's all I've got. We're exited and releaved that she wants to come live with us. I think it's going to be very tough on Enat when she has to get on a plane and leave her there. It also appears that the prolonged election kerfuffle in Ethiopia is set to have it's results released on the day Enat is scheduled to come home. Hopefully things will be quiet, but she's going to keep an eye on things and get to the airport a day early if it seems neccessary.

More to Come,
Abbat

So.. um.. do you... would... you maybe want to go to the prom with me?

2005-08-17T21:02:00.000-04:00

It's been a while, so let me bring everyone up to date.

Firstly, our dossier is in Addis! Everything was approved and sent about two weeks ago. Now we have to get in line for a court date. Unfortunately the Ethiopian government is on their summer recess. This lasts somewhere between 4 and six weeks, depending on when everyone decides to come back to work. All the while there are more and more cases backing up. Hopefully we will get in sometime in the fall.

Desta is doing well. Her health is excellent, and she has been moved to a new foster home to help get her ready to come here. We sent her a package last week with some markers, a disposable camera, a t-shirt that we painted for her, and most importantly... A letter telling her that we want to adopt her!

Enat wrote it, and I added suggestions here and there. It was very difficult to write. How do you tell a child you want to be their parent?... without totally freaking them out I mean. Hey, Desta howsabout you leave your home, your friends, your country... your culture and come live with these crazy white people in America? How do you tell her what your life and family is about without making it sound like your trying to bribe her. "If you come live with us, you won't just get a new family! No, you'll have a house, your own room, a dog, a back yard with a swing set... and if you act now we'll thow in the pattented Super Clean Mega Spritzer at no additional cost (a $29.99 value!") And I thought it was hard to ask Sally to the homecoming dance. At least then I found out what she thought on the spot.

We're kind of dissapointed that things have just been done to Desta instead of with her. We wanted to make sure she wanted to be adopted before we got to far into the process, but our demands that this be the case were pretty much ignored. I guess it's kind of a tough situation. They couldn't tell her we're adopting her until everything was pretty much assured, but at the same time, we didn't really want to go through the process if she didn't want to be adopted. I also wonder if there is a typical reaction amongst the older kids to oppose being adopted at first. Most of the older childern knew their birth parents and had a "normal" family life for much of their childhood. I just wish she could be a part of the process rather than just being told one day out of the blue, "You are going to be adopted by this family and go to live with them. Any questions?"

We've felt like this adoption process has been a lot more out of our hands, and much more like we are a case number. Efram's adoption feld much more like we were working with friends. This agency is bigger and has a more staff to talk to and get answers from, but the answers are always very... well... clinical is best word for it. With Efram's agency it could be tough to get ahold of someone, but once you did it was all, "Oh Hi! how are you... Hey, I was just thinking of you because x,y and z happend in Ethiopia."

Anyway. Desta has been moved to a foster home where they get kids ready for life in America. They learn English more aggressivley and talk about etiquette, custom, and our way of life. One good thing about this place that all of the children there are being adopted, so it's probably treated very positively amongst the kids. There are several kids there that she knows. There were several kids last year who were thought to be HIV positive and lived in Desta's orphanage that were found to be negative. Some of them had given false positives because they had the anitbodies passed to them in utero from their mothers, but not the virus; and the old testing method used to just look for the antibodies. Others of them were just assumed to be positive because their parents died of AIDS. Hopefully these kids will make her feel more at home there.

We've been getting occasional photos of Desta from people visiting Addis. The other day Enat sent me some pictures of Desta playing at a playground in Addis. I almost started crying right there at my desk. She's so beautiful. There is a family going to visit the new foster home next week. They are going to take a bunch of photos of her for us. I can hardly wait. Enat might not be able to. We're trying to figure out a way for her to travel to Addis next month. The director of our agency is going, and told Enat that she is welcome to come along. It's an expensive flight (no, I mean a SUPER EXPENSIVE flight), and there is a lot to work out as far as getting someone to watch the kids while I'm at work and such... but if Enat could be an escort for some of the kids comeing to their new families in America, we wouldn't have to pay for the flight or the accomodations, and if we can do it I think it would be wonderful.

Well, my dad now knows that we're adopting again... My mother had to tell him when he found out she had gone to get a copy of my birth certificate for me. He doesn't know everything... at least I don't think he does... He knows that we're adoptiong a girl that we used to sponsor, and who is 11 years old, but as for the HIV, I'm not sure. On one hand I thin he knows because he's not the type to forget that the girl we were sponsoring is HIV+, but at the same time he's also not the kind to be quiet about something that he's angry about. So i don't really know.

On the lighter side of things, there is a group of Tibeten monks in town this week building a mandala (sand painting,) as well as putting on various other cultural activities. Enat has taken the kids to 4 different events now and Ramona is all-about them! She told Enat that she wants to be a monk. So now we'll have our minister and our monk (though I'm afraid she'll have to settle for a nun.)

Also, I'm just figuring out this blogging site, so I had anonymous commenting turned off which meant anyone who wanted to comment had to register and all that crud. Now that I know it was set up like that I have changed the settings so that anyone can write. Please feel free to post any comments you have.

... and just in case you were wondering, Sally did say yes.

more to come,

Abbat

Gods and Monsters

2005-07-27T20:25:00.000-04:00

In Amharic the word buda means "evil eye." By this Ethiopians do not mean sending a dirty glance toward the lady with the full cart of groceries in the express lane. No, they mean casting spells to cause demonic posession, illness, and myriad grave misfortunes. Ethiopians do not take this word/power lightly. To speak of someone as being buda is about the worst possible thing you could say about them. A person who posesses buda is feared, shunned, and despised.

Buda also happens to be phonetically identical to Buddha... and coincidentally Enat and I practice Vajrayana Buddhism. Of course this was no problem for Efram. He was not old enough to have any exposure to the term buda. When he sits in a chair cross-legged he proudly yells, "Momma, Effie sit like Buddha!" However I'm not sure how Desta will handle the taboo of the name when she asks us who the man in all of our statues is. My first thought is that we can initially tell her that it is Shakyamuni (the religious name of Siddhartha Gautama), but he is so commonly referred to as Buddha that I don't think we can shelter her from that name, particularly since our children know him as Buddha. This is not to mention what she'll think when she sees us chanting, or when she finds out that we don't consider Jesus to be God, at least not in the traditional Christian sense. We've heard that some older Ethiopian children claim they would not go to a family if they found out they were not Christian.

Perhaps I should talk a little bit about the religious situation in Ethiopia. Most Ethiopians are Ethiopian Orthodox Christian, although the growing Muslim population is nearing an equal percentage. There was a significant Jewish community, but many of them have immigrated to Isreal. For the most part these groups co-exist rather well. There are occasional clashes, but they tend to be isolated incidents. However; I doubt that this means children are taught a healthy respect for other religions. Though I guess many in this country aren't either. Enat was telling me the other day about an incident that occurred to a friend hers. Enat's friend's daughter had drawn a picture of herself and Buddha sitting next to one another. Another girl who belonged to a very conservative Christian family asked, "Who is Buddha?" Before anyone else could get a word out this girl's mother jumped in and exclaimed "A FALSE god!" A false god?... Well, firstly Buddhists don't claim Buddha is a god, but more importantly what kind of a person teaches their children to disrespect someone else's religion so openly? Buddhism teaches respect for the practice of any religion as long as the practice is done with pure intentions. For example, the way I understand it, a Christian who prays to God to help them to become a better person is generating positive karma in the same way that a Buddhist who chants the mantra of Chenrezig is.

This is an important idea for us because, according to her latest sponsorship report, Desta would like to be a Minister when she grows up. That's right we'll be the multi-cultural, multi-racial, multi-religious, vegetarian, homeschooling adoptive family with the HIV+ Minister for a daughter... I swear, other than that we're a really normal family.

While we are going to expose her to Buddhsim, we're not going to discourage the pratice of her faith. Aside from any doctrinal (not sure if that's really a word) reason, we think it will be important for her adjustment. There is a Greek Orthodox church in our city which has an Ethiopian Orthodox Service once per month for the Ethiopian community. When everything else this poor girl has ever known has been taken away from her, at least she'll have this refuge. She's basically coming to this country with her name and her faith, to steal either from her would be unconscionable deed.

Enat asked our teacher His Eminence Garchen Rinpoche what we can do to teach our children about Buddhism. He had a 3 part answer.

Teach them Tibeten. (I love that he started out with something simple ;) )
Lead by example. Let them see us doing our practice.
Teach them about the laws of Karma. He suggested relating it to how they are punished when they misbehave.

Rinpoche said that if our children have a Karmic pre-disposition to the Dharma they will be attracted to it. This was certainly true with me. I was raised Catholic, but left that faith when I was 19. I came to Buddhism nearly 10 years later. I had read a lot about Buddhism during that time in between, and was very attacted to it; but I rejected the idea of associating myself with an organized religion. Finally, after I read Awakening The Buddha Within by Lama Surya Das, I saw the thruth of Buddhism.

Religion is not something that can be forced upon people. A true adult decision on what you believe and why, along with rigorous questioning of the truth of your beliefs is essential. Otherwise your religion is not based on true belief, and has no more value than a child's belief in Santa Claus. There is a running joke that the first words out of most newcomer's mouths at our temple when asked how they came to Buddhism is, "Well, I was raised Catholic." You cannot choose a child's religion any more than you can choose their occupation or who they'll fall in love with. All you can do is help guide them and hope they make the right decisions for them. I will be sure to support Desta in her religious endevours regardless of where they take her, but I will also be sure that she is exposed to the Dharma and if she is meant to follow it's path she will.

More to come,
Abbat

Visas Stars and G8

2005-07-19T20:51:00.000-04:00

I'm sure you know the feeling... that few seconds after receiving a news bombshell when you're trying to figure out if you are really here; and whether you really heard what you just thought you heard. There I was sitting on the couch almost obsessively reading about the latest exploits of a teenage wizard when all of the sudden Enat says, "I just got an email from so-and-so. She's asking me about HIV+ immigration because she's dealing with an HIV+ sibling adoption."

Enat then read me an email that stated that someone who has worked with families adopting HIV+ children has said that getting a visa waiver for an HIV+ child is extremely difficult, that adopting families must write a letter stating very compelling reasons why they should be allowed to adopt the HIV+ child. It just cannot be that the child is HIV+ and they can get the medical care they need in the US. There must be something more like the HIV+ child is a sibling of a child the family is already adopting or the child was thought to be HIV- and was found to be positive during the adoption processing, etc.

Immediately my heart jumped up into my throat. Compelling reason? What does a compelling reason mean? She's our daughter! Isn't that compelling enough! Then I came back to myself and said, "Lets not get all excited about this. Lets get more information, and if it turns out that this is true and that our reasons aren't going to be compelling enough, then we'll look at what options we have then. But it won't do anyone any good to get in a huff and worry ourselves if there's no real problem."

Enat immediately wrote to the woman referenced in the email and asked for some information about what we might expect. The return email contained the following links:

http://www.fwcc.org/visamedical.html
http://www.visalaw.com/04mar1/2mar104.html
http://www.visalaw.com/03apr1/2apr103.html

and stated that the visa process can take up to six months and that we should argue that we don't want to split up a family. The person Enat wrote to stated that all the families she has worked with were able to gain visas for their HIV+ children but it required a lot of hard work and waiting. When Enat mentioned that we are not adopting a sibling group, just Desta, she was told that we would probably have to base our compelling reasons on our prior relationship with Desta.

Enat then emailed our agency and asked them about this. They responded that the visa which was issued a few weeks ago was for a single child with no reason that was any different than ours. Hopefully we are "compelling" enough. We have sponsored Desta for several years, and have met her. We aren't just looking to adopt an HIV+ child, we're looking to adopt Desta... and we would be looking to adopt her regardless of her HIV status. She is a bright, charming, beautiful young lady, and I believe we were meant to be her parents.

The Chicago Tribune article ran, however we are not mentioned. We were a bit surprised because the author of the story called a couple of times and asked Enat a lot of questions. Anyhow the story can be read here. There was a story that ran in the Dayton Daily news last year about Efram's adoption, and we are happy to say that we have been contacted by a family who read the story, and is now adopting from Ethiopia! I don't want to say that our story in any way influenced their decision to do so, but I hope it did, because that is exactly why we decided to do the story.

Ethiopian adoptions have been in the news quite bit recently because of Angelina Jolie. For anyone who doesn't follow adoption news or tabloid news. Ms Jolie adopted a little girl from Ethiopia, and returned to the United States with her about 2 weeks ago. The little girl is under a year old, her father is unknown, and her mother is believed to have died of AIDS related illness. To the best of my knowledge there has been no information that suggests the child is HIV+.

My wife, who frequents Ethiopian/Internatinal adoption message boards, said that the adoption community seemed to be in an uproar taking that some of the news stories point toward her receiving preferential treatment. Personally I didn't get anything like that from my reading, and as I told Enat, my opinion is this: A major Hollywood star is adopting a girl from Ethiopia right in the middle of the G8 summit. Anything that brings attention to Africa, the HIV epidemic, and/or Ethiopian adoption is a good thing. If she received special treatment so that the timing lined up for the issue to receive so much publicity then I'm all for it... and every one of those parents should be too.

Ahhh... the G8. I made a little promise to myself that I was not going to discuss politics or religion in this blog, because these things have nothing to do with this adoption. I don't want people to not read my blog because I'm that left-wing right-wing christian muslim atheist buddhist straight gay crackpot; but as I'm finding out, these things DO have a lot to do with this adoption... or at least I wouldn't be telling the whole story if I chose to avoid them. So this week I break rule #1, and next week I'll break rule #2.

The G8 was a wonderful opportunity for the world to come together and say WE will not accept poverty in OUR world. WE will put an end to HIV/AIDS in OUR world. WE will make the necessary commitment to do so.

Unfortunately, however; I feel, as an American, that we said: WE will not accept poverty in OUR world. WE will put an end to HIV/AIDS in OUR world. THEY will make the necessary commitment to do so, and WE will help out a bit if we really have to. As a world, there was great progress, and only time will tell how much of a difference it will make. I just can't help but feel a little embarrassed about being THE country that held the G8 back from being what it might have been.

More to come,
Abbat.

Dis/En couragement

2005-07-05T20:32:00.000-04:00

This week we got some very good news. The first visa of an HIV+ child from Ethiopia has been issued! This means we will not be breaking new ground when we appy for Desta's visa. The way it all works is that after our adoption is finalized by the Ethiopian Government we have to apply for a US visa for Desta to be allowed into the country. Any visa application made for an HIV+ person is automatically denied. We will have to appeal this decision to an Embassy with more athourity in Kenya. If the appeal is accepted the case will then go to the State Department in Washington DC. Grand total time for this first visa was 6.5 months. For reference Eframs visa took 3 days to get approved... but hey 6.5 months is NOTHING if it means our daughter can come home.

Our Dossier paperwork was mailed on Saturday, but our chances of getting a court date to finalize the adoption before the Ethiopian Govt's summer recess is VERY SLIM. We should get in by the end of the year for certain though. That would mean that if the planets all align like they should Desta will be here by June of next year. Very good news.

On the Dis side of things...
We were able to have a little bit of a chat with Enat's stepmother over the weekend, and got to find out a little bit more about how Enat's dad is feeling about things. To the best of her knowledge he is still very angry about the whole thing. He's not as worried about our kids getting infected now that he knows Desta is 11 years old (he must have been under the impression she was an infant at fist;) but now he is very worried about how having an 11 year old suddenly drop into our lives is going to affect Ramona. Efram is so easy-going and has such strong adaptation skills from his life experiences that he'll be fine. Ramona however is very sensitive, and is going through a rough time right now with getting her intellectual needs met.

Ramona is a doer. She likes to "do" things she's not very fond of most toys. She likes to play things like store and cooking and taking care of her "babies"; but for the most part she wants to either do an art project or be read to. She doesn't like to play outside very much, and we know she is going to be the girl who just wants to spend all her time in her room reading... which is fine, but she can't read yet. We get some books on tape for her out of the library and she LOVES that, but she wants a lot of Momma time. Enat is a stay at home mom, but only has so much time. If she were to spend 5 hours per day reading to Ramona, Ramona would want 6. I have to laugh at those commercials that say you should read to your kids 20 minutes per day... in our house it's more like 20 minutes per hour.

Seriously though, Ramona's need for attention has us worried too. Enat and I had one of our famous chats the other night and talked about wether we thought Ramona could handle another child coming into our lives. We decided that we think it will be tough on her, but that her main problem isn't a lack of attention it's a lack of ability to carry out the grand activity ideas she has. Our plan is to set up some more activities for Ramona to get into. A lot of her art supplies are stored out of reach because Efram isn't old enough to handle them responibly. We're going to try and make things more accessible to her, and get her more activity books, and books on tape to listen to. We've also decided that we're going to let her watch a few things on television. Up to this point our children have not been exposed to television. We have a TV, but outside of football season it's rarely turned on, and almost never when the kids are awake. But there are some good shows on PBS that are also book related. As I said we don't think any of this is adoption related, and we're going to continue on as planned.

I think I'm going through a phase right now where I switch between being really excited and having cold feet. I'm getting to know this phase well by now though... I've gone through it while waiting for both of my other children.

More to come...
Abbat.

Just Passing Time

2005-06-26T21:57:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to come up with something to talk about. There isn't really much going on as far as the adoption goes right now. We're just in the middle of all the approvals, paperwork, and processes. One exciting happening is that we have our homestudy approved and sent to the agency. For those who don't know, you have to get what is called a homestudy done. This is where a homestudy agency has a social worker come and interview the family, inspect your house, and come up with a conclusion as to wether you are fit to adopt. We weren't really worried about this. We've done it before, and with Enat's experience with HIV AIDS children we didin't forsee any issues. We have a very good relationship with our social worker. She was the instructor at a series of adoption classes we had to attend for Efram's adoption, she did our homestudy for his adoption as well, she's handled all of his post-placement, and she's shown a real interest in our children outside of her professional duties. So if anyone in the Cincinnati area is looking for a homestudy agency we highly reccomend Lutheran Social Services.

The adoption agency told us that they were going to wait until our homestudy was approved to tell Desta that we are adopting her. So that should be happening any day. Enat got in touch with a family who was traveling to Addis and sent along a letter and some pictures for her. They were pictures of when we visited her, and the letter didn't mention anythying about us adopting her. However; we don't think she ever got these items.

That is the other big news. Ther is quite a bit of turmoil going on in Addis Ababa right now. One thing that you have to be prepared for when adopting internationally is that not all foreign governments are stable. Now Ethiopia has gone through a whole series of horrible leaderships. From the Italian occupation to the Communists who ran the country into the ground to the corrupt series of governments to follow. Things appeared to be relatively stable in recent years, however there was huge scandal at the national elections earlier this month. I'm not really sure of all the details, but the main ruling party and the challenging party are both crying fowl, the taxi drivers are on strike which is a HUGE deal in Adddis as most people cannot get to work now.Very few buses are running, and several people have been killed in huge demonstrative clashes with police and military control. The worst part is that the official results of the election have not even been announced yet. They are being witheld until July 8th... at which time things are expected to worsen. Whichever side is on the short end is going to cause trouble. It's very possible that the whole government could go into shutdown mode and close all adoptions. Which would basically mean we'd just be stuck until they get things under control and re-open for adoptions... if they even do. It's very scary actually. We're not really worried about Desta's safety at this point as her orphange is quite a ways outside of the main city, and the main rioting/protesting has been in the University district which is on the complete other side of the city.

So unfortunately with no taxis and many passenger vehicles being attacked our letter and photos for Desta never made it to her. Once things settle down there we will try to mail some things to her. By that time she should know that we are adopting her, and I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about the fact that we can talk to her about it.

Also there is going to be a story in the Chicago Tribune next week about a woman who runs an adoption agency called Chances by Choice which is for HIV+ children. The woman who runs it has adopted 8 children one of whom is HIV+ and is in the process of adopting another from Ethiopia who is HIV+. The writer called us and spoke to Enat about our adopting Desta. We don't really want "publicity" for the adoption, but we first decided to adopt from Ethiopia because we heard a couple who did so speaking on a radio program; and we feel that if people hear or read or see something about what we're doing then someone somewhere might say, "Hey, If those folks can do it so can I." So be on the lookout for that if you are in the Chicagoland area... and just maybe you'll say "Hey, if those folks can do it...

More to come,
Abbat

Let The Paperwork Begin

2005-06-04T21:14:00.000-04:00

Wow. I mean really... Wow. This is A LOT of paperwork... all of which has to be notarized, and none of which is easy. There is quite a difference between the paperwork for Desta and that for Efram, and it has nothing to do with the fact that Desta is HIV+. You see we had to use a different agency for Desta than we did for Efram, and this one requires a lot more. I also have to say Efram's agencies requirements made much more sense. For example with Efram we had to have our references fill out a questionere, and write up a little bit of information about us. They just had to mail it in. With Desta's agency our referencies will recieve a form letter which they will have to fill in the blanks for our name and their name, and then get it notarzied and send it back. So basically Desta's agency doesn't care what our references think of us, they just care that their signature is legit. I have to figure out a way to get a notarized copy of my birth certificate, we had to get our doctor's signature on our physical notarized. We only ever had to get a couple of things notarized for Eframs adoption.

I'm sure they have their reasons, but I don't understand why they require sooo much more unneccessary paperwork. I hate forms to begin with. I'm not very good with them. I'm they guy in the office who always gets, "Hey... about your timesheets." Forms just make me feel so restrained and pressured... I know I have issues. Anyhow to add to that having to jump through the extra hoop of getting everything notarized.... It just drives me bonkers.

On the family front, things are going better. We spent most of Memorial Day weekend with Enat's father and her sisters. All the conversations that we had where Desta was involved were quite pleasant. Her father even asked at one point, "How old is that youngster you're adopting again?" We were very relieved.

Enat's mother has tried to be supportive recently. While visiting one day she asked Enat, "How are we going to decorate Desta's room?" It made Enat feel much better. We view adoption as completely equal to having children biologically, but there is that missing excitement that comes from your family. When she was pregnant with Ramona it was all, "Ooohh, how do you feel... what's the baby doing now.... how much longer... what's the name going to be... lets have a shower... lets go shopping for baby things.. oooh this is just the most fabulous thing ever." With Efram and Desta it's more like, "Oh... you're adopting... why?... Did you know so and so who had a horrible adoption experience back in '71? Yup, the kid burned down the house, fed the dog to an alligator and spilled grape juice on the carpet ON PURPOSE!"

We told my sister when we were visiting recently. Actually we didn't mention the HIV part, just the adoption, and she said, "You mean the girl you sponsored? Isn't she HIV+?" She is fine with it. She had a friend in college who was HIV+, and she is a social worker... so I'm sure she knows that she's dealt with some + clients.

My father?... um... no... not quite yet *sound of chickens clucking*

more to come,
Abbat

All In The Family

2005-05-18T01:40:00.000-04:00

It's kind of ironic that the very people who raised us and guided us into the morals and values that we hold, are the only people we've encountered who are outright opposed to what we are doing. We knew our familes wouldn't take this well, so we've telling them slowly and on a limited information basis. Our familes had a hard enough time when we told them we were adopting Efram. They were certain it was going to ruin Ramona's life. They were certain we were going to become objects of scorn as an inter-racial family. Then of course they met Efram, and instantly fell in love with him.

Actually, my mother has always been supportive of the decisions I make in my life. She knows that I never jump into things, and that I'm not going to be the one to do something "stupid." She was very supportive of Efram's adoption from the beginning, and she has been supportive of Desta's as well. During the initial conversation when we told her what we were doing, my mother did not say a negative word about it. She asked a few questions, told us how she would handle having an HIV + student in her classroom (she's been a 1st grade teacher for almost 20 years now,) and said that it was an opportunity for us to do something wonderful... If only we could bottle my mom and give one to every kid.

As for my father... well he's not the kind of person we can just "tell." Dad needs to be brought along slowly so that he can explode then let it sink in, then somewhat warm up to the idea. We're going to have a hard enough time just telling him that we're adopting again, let alone her age and health. He's one of those people who just doesn't understand why, if you can birth children yourself, you need to get involved with adoption. When we were adopting Efram he said, "What if you bring bad blood into the family." Actually, I kinda have to laugh at prophetic nature of that statement now... However, he has been THE BIGGEST Efram convert. It took him about 9 and a half minutes to be all about Efram after he met him. I'll write more about his reaction when we finally tell him.

Enat's mother was concerned, but I don't think she was too surprised. Her main concern was the impact it would have on Efram and Ramona if Desta became seriously ill and/or died. We understand where she is coming from, but were a bit annoyed by the fact that she was almost more concerned about what Enat's Step-Fathers family would think... I guess it would be a huge deal that time we see them every couple years. We're friendly with them and all, but seriously, if you have children who are talking that you weren't even pregnant with the last time I saw you... then you don't have much impact on my life decisions.

Enat's father, well he basically hung up on her. He said that it was a horrible idea. Adopting a 10 year old is a bad idea on it's own, and adopting an HIV + 10 year old is one of the worst ideas in history. All we are doing is setting Ramona up to contract HIV (No word yet on what could happen to Efram.)

Who knows... maybe this is the time we've gone to far. I know my dad will come around eventually but I guess we'll have to see.

On another family front: this week we've found out some more information about Desta's family background. She apparently has 3 brothers and a sister. They live in a town called Hosana in southern Ethiopia. We don't know their ages, or their their health status... just that this is where they are. At least some of her brothers must be a bit older than her, because they tried to be providers for the family for a while after their parents died. Though we know of another family of 4 Ethiopian orphans where the oldest girl, whom I believe is 14, takes care of her brothers and sisters and makes sure they get to school. That family is in the process of being adopted and their agency makes sure that they have, in the mean time, an apartment and enough food... this is at least much better than the lean-to tent they were living in.

We were also told that Desta may be a bit younger than we thought. The Ethiopian director said that Desta is 8 and has been their since she was 5. This is inconsistent with what we have been told before by AHOPE... and even by Desta herself. She told us she thought she was 10, and that her birthday was in the summer... she didn't know for sure though. We're pretty sure that 10 is correct... so that's what we're sticking with

We have no plans to attempt adopting any of her siblings; however, we may try to sponsor them through a sibling sponsorship program that our adoption agency has. If possible Enat will try to take her to Hosana to see them before coming home. It would be a rough trip, 8 hours by bus in Ethiopia. But if that is what it takes to make sure she can stay in contact with her siblings, we're going to do it.

more to come,
Abbat.

What are we going to say

2005-05-09T01:01:00.000-04:00

One of the big things we've been trying to decide is what to say or not say to people concerning Desta's HIV status. We've been trying to get in touch with other adoptive parents of HIV+ children to try and talk with them about whom, if anyone they tell about their child's status; and we can't even get any of them to talk to us over fear of being "outed." We are of the opinion that we would like to be open about Desta. Not open in a brodcast it to the world way, but we don't think it will do anyone good to keep it a secret.

Recently Efram fell into a chair while at a play group , and cut his lip wide open. Enat was in the other room at the time, and another mother immediately picked up Efram and started wiping off his mouth with her bare hand. Were this Desta, that would have been a dangerous thing to do. Of course Desta is 10, and not likely to fall into chairs and be picked up, but the idea is still relevant. Do her friend's parents need to be made aware so they will know what to do if something happens while she is visiting? At the same time will any parents be willing to let her visit if they know the truth? We've been told by several close friends and family members that we should DEFINITELY keep it a secret. But I can just picture the outrage that will come from parents when they find out that there was an HIV+ child running around their house and nobody told them. If people want to be ignorant and uneducated about HIV that's their choice, I can't make them accept us, but I would rather know where we stand up front.

The choice about telling people has been made, as we have already been talking with a few friends and neighbors about it. The other day Enat was talking with some neighbors about how we came to find Desta. The conversation went something like:
Neighbor: "How did you come to find Desta"
Enat: "We met her when we were in Ethiopia adopting Efram (which is true.) "
Neighbor: "Was she in the same orphanage as Efram?".
Enat: "No."
Neighbor: "Well then how did you meet her?"
Enat: "We've sponsored her for a few years through a charity."
Neighbor: "How come you didn't adopt her before."
Enat: "We didn't think she was eligible to be adopted until recently."
Neighbor: "Why not?"
Enat: "She has some health issues."
Neighbor: "Like what?"
Enat: "um.. um.."
Neighbor: "Oh my god, that's none of my business. I'm sorry."
Enat': "that's OK"

Enat and I talked that night about what we were going to tell people. We decided that we just don't think it's right to keep it a big secret. We have young kids who will not be able to keep such a thing secret, and there are people who will need to know for logistical reasons. We just don't think it's practical that it be kept a secret, and we don't want to live a lie. The next day Enat ran into the same neighbor and told her that she was sorry for not being open with her, and that we are just trying to figure out what we're going to tell people. The neighbor said it was ok, and that they had figured HIV was what it was anyway, and MOST IMPORTANTLY that they were educated about HIV and just fine with it. It was very good to hear that a neighbor with two kids was OK with us bringing an HIV+ child into the neighborhood. Now we just have to cross our fingers that everyone in our family will feel the same way.

You can live you life in only one of two ways. You can foster the truth, or you can cover up lies. Nothing positive has ever come from telling lies as far as I can tell.

Lies save trouble now, but may return in thunder and lightning.
-Mason Cooley

more to come,
Abbat.

The beginning

2005-04-29T02:31:00.000-04:00

What in the world are we doing? I'm a soon to by thirty relatively sane American male. I've never done anything terribly irrational before. So how is it that I find myself about to become the father of a 10 year old African girl with a major medical condition which I know will ultimately take her life?

I guess the best place to start is, as they say, at the beginning; and for the purposes of this blog the beginning means when I met my wife, Enat. On our second date we went for a walk at a local park. We found a nice fallen tree to sit on and proceeded to have a 4 hour chat. The most memorable thing about this chat was that Enat told me she wanted to have 9 children. My response was something like, "Wow, thats... a lot. That's like 7 years of pregnancy." She assured me that she didn't plan to birth all of them; and I told her that I had always wanted to adopt too.

Enat wanted to adopt a little boy 6-8 years old from Russia. As our relationship evolved I would even get pictures of little Russian boys she found on adoption websites e-mailed to me at work. I had never thought about a foreign adoption before. To be quite honest I'm not even sure I knew such a thing existed. Anyhow 9 months after we met we got engaged. 7 months after that we got married, and 6 months after that we had our first child, Ramona.

I was busy getting used to being married, having a child, working a new job, and being a home owner; but Enat was ready to get going on the first adoption. Then one day she asked me the right question. She said, "Do you think you'll be ready to have our first adopted child a year from now?" I said "Yes.", and she replied "Well then we need to get started." I had never considered just how long the process was going to take. Don't you just say "We want a kid." Go down to your local adoption agency and get one. When we adopted the dog we weren't even thinking about getting a dog until that very morning.

Enat started doing research on every country offering international adoptions that we could think of. We couldn't decide what country to go with, but I think we were leaning towards Kazakhstan. Then one day we heard a story on NPR about the HIV AIDS crisis in Africa. The story was about all the orphans the disease was leaving, and how Americans had started adopting these children. Enat had done a lot of work with AIDS patients in the past, and HIV AIDS has always been an issue of personal interest for her. We looked at each other and just knew. This is what we're supposed to do. I had never been a big believer in fate, but this just felt like it had to be. Neither of us had even thought about adopting from Africa. We had never heard of anyone adopting from Africa before and didn't know it was something that could be done. We weren't planning on adopting a child with HIV. At that time the Ethiopian government would not allow children with HIV to be adopted out of the country anyway. We were interested in adopting a child who's parents had died of AIDS, but didnt have the disease.

We received information from the agencies that were doing Ethiopian adoptions. In the packet from one of the agencies was information about a charity called AHOPE for children (www.ahopeforchildren.org). AHOPE allows people to sponsor an HIV positive orphan on a yearly basis. My wife and a group of her friends decided to get together and sponsor a little girl. She sent the paperwork and money, and was replied to with a picture and bio of Desta. And so, for the next year, while we worked on completing all of the requirements for the adoption of our son Efram, Desta was our sponsored child.

After what seemed like an eternity, Efram's adoption was final, and we were ready to travel to Addis Ababa to bring him home. Enat had the idea that while we were there we should try to visit Desta at the AHOPE group home. We asked what kind of gift we could bring for Desta, and were told that she would like a doll. So we bought one and set off for Ethiopia.

On the third day after we arrived in Addis a car from AHOPE picked us up at our hotel and took us to the group home. There were two facilities. One which housed the infants, toddlers and young children; and one which housed the school-aged children. We took a quick tour of the first facility, and headed off to the school-aged one. Now, it is my opinion that the Ethiopian people are among the most handsome featured people on the planet, but Desta... She was the most breathtakingly beautiful little girl I had ever seen. Her big Ethiopian eyes sparkled in the light, and she had the most wonderfully embarrassed smile. We spent the whole afternoon talking to her, playing soccer with all the children, and drawing pictures for each other. It wasn't at all what you imagine an Ethiopian orphanage full of HIV+ children to be like. The facility was clean and well maintaned, the children very active, and the overall mood exceptionally cheery. We left a donation with the Ethiopian director, and instructed her that it was to be used to buy ice cream for all of the children.

That night at dinner I told Enat that if the governments policy on adopting HIV+ children ever changed I wanted to adopt Desta. She said thta she was thinking the same thing.

Enat told the American Director about our disire to do this, and four months later we recieved an email telling us that they would help us try to adopt her if were serious about it. She told us that it will be a long tedious process that will make Eframs adoption look like a piece of cake, and that in the end we might not be successful; but they would do what they could to make it happen.

Enat and I got a sitter, and went out to dinner to have one of our chats. Saying you want to adopt a little girl with a serious heath issue in the afterglow of having spent a wonderful afternoon laughing and playing with her is very different from actually getting up the nerve to do it. How can we bring this wonderful little girl into our lives and let everyone fall in love with her when we know that one day she will die. How can we do that to our parents, and most importantly to our children. Efram has already lost his birth-parents, though he never new them; and Ramona is a very sensitive little girl.

In the end I told Enat that we were at a crossroad in our life. Now was when we had to decide wether we wanted to claim to have our values, or actually live them. Then Enat asked me a question: "What do you think Efram and Ramona will say when they are twenty if we tell them that we could have adopted an HIV+ orhan, given her a home, good healthcare, and helped her live a longer life with a loving family, but didn't because we didn't want them to be sad if she died."

Well... there we are. It seems kind of absurd to try condensing all of the emotion and soul searching that went on into a few paragraphs, but hopefully this gives you a good sense of the situation. My goal is to update weekly with developments as they happen, the process we're going through, and more than likely the occasional emotional breakdown.

More to come,
Abbat